You are not truly confident until you risk being vulnerable.

     Was told today by my teenage son that he doesn't have the confidence to stand up to some of his friends when they are asking him to make not so good choices.  It got me thinking.....

     True friends are going to accept you for who you are and what you think-even if that is different from them.  That being said, these are kids.  Acceptance means a lot (everything) to them.  So how can I help him see that being vulnerable (telling the friends no, etc...) and risking their ridicule is actually a projection of confidence and strength???

     What does this look like?  It looks like exposure, it looks like risk, it looks a little scary at times.  But if you are confident in who you are, then you can take the chances, live the consequences, hear the judgement, and know that it doesn't change who you are.

Kids

If you stand up to or disagree with your 'friends', you risk being kicked "out of the group".  So instead of being confident in who you are, you give in to try to fit in.  Is it parenting or is it just "who you are" that influences the ability to have the confidence to stand up against the group?

Marriage

This is where risk and vulnerability are paramount.  Can you express yourself without causing an argument?  Can you take criticism without it crushing you or causing you to be defensive?  Sunday will be my 18th anniversary and I'm "still" working to make sure its a safe place for her to share her feelings.  I'm "still" working to make sure that when I let her down I act vulnerably by owning things and letting her be upset.

The Anger or the apathy

     These are the indicators that you are not allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  If you find yourself offended and angry, its likely that you are using that instead of exposing your real feelings or that you aren't allowing others to disagree with you.  If you "couldn't care less" about what people think, that is a hint that you are hiding behind false confidence.

     Anger doesn't get you closer to solutions, it sends the message to people to "back off".  And intuitively we don't want to be closer to angry people.

     Vulnerable, confident people care about people's feelings and aren't afraid to say if they themselves are hurt; they take on possible rejection or ridicule to share real feelings; they know that who they are isn't swayed by the opinions of others.  Now how do I tell that to my kid???

My month on RP Strength diet

     I am 5’10” and 175-180.  I didn’t want to gain or lose any weight.  I just wanted to clean up and learn how to eat.  So I reached out to Nick at RP and he was immediately responsive back and forth with me.  He advised me to purchase the cutting template and enter 180 lbs but just eat the base diet.


     There are 4 diets, base, cuts 1,2, and 3.  The idea is to start on the base, then move to the cut diets which reduce calories just enough each time to spur on fat loss.  They also have a massing template that has 3 massing phases where calories are slowly added to gain muscle.

     Anyhow, I realized almost immediately I had not been eating enough food/quality calories.  I felt like I was stuffing myself with the amount of meals/food I was eating.  The other thing that happened was that I accidentally printed out cut #3 sheet for my training days.  I still felt like I was eating a ton, but I started getting pretty lean fast.  I did this (ate base on three rest days and cut 3 on my four training days) accidentally for about 10 days.  Once I realized this, I switched to base for all of the days and REALLY felt that I was stuffing myself.  But my weight stayed around 177-180.  I was shocked.

     In the beginning I was meal prepping hard.  Cooking a ton of food and having it ready to roll eating big breakfasts, etc….  Now I feel like I’ve got it kind of dialed in and so I will bring left overs from the night before’s dinner for a meal or 2 while at work or I’ll go grab something at wholefoods or wherever.  For breakfasts a lot of times I’ll have fruit and a protein/carb shake to get the meal in.  I’m fairly lean still (for sure more than before I started) and my weight is mostly pegged at 178-180.
     The way they do things is calculate your BMR (easy to find on line) then use a multiple for how much calories to eat on rest days vs training days (also easy to find on line).  They take your body weight and figure out protein intake (.8-1g per lb) and then same with carbs (roughly .5 rest days 1.5 training days).  Split the macros up into 5-6 meals and then fill in the rest of the calories with fat calories.

     The only thing that is slightly complicated is their nutrient timing.  That is pretty cool and it’s a matter of “when in the day do you train?” and based on that they have a ton of scenarios for how to eat around training.  The one thing that is in EVERY plan in the casein protein shake at bedtime.  That’s to preserve muscle throughout the night as you sleep due to its slow breakdown/absorption.  

     There is for sure a difference in a diet for performance and for health.  If you work hard at it, you can make this one both.  It is not paleo, but is paleo friendly.  I find myself eating more starches that I had in the past, but also a boat load more protein.  And the pre and intra workout shakes are VERY good for training endurance.  I don’t eat lean beef like they say to, because its hard to find that grass fed, so I just cut back my supplemental fat since the beef has plenty.  It’s part art as well as science and I think it’s been a very worthwhile investment.

I'm paying "you"....my beef with some CF box owners

     I have worked out with CF coaches that tell you to do burpees if you are late to class or forget someone's name in the group.  You've got to be fucking kidding me.....

     I've owned a business for over 20 years now.  We do physical therapy.  It's a service business.  Patients come to us, we help them get better.  It's kind of the same way in crossfit boxes.  People come to you, they are helped to get "better".

     Service is service.  And in the service business, many times there is a mantra that the customer is always right.  Unless you are the only game in town, you better err on the side of ass kissing with your members rather than drill instruction.

     Many coaches take a funny approach of letting you pay the box so they can treat you like you are lucky to be there.  You can always tell the coaches who approach things like a job vs a passion.  Is your coach a different coach at 5:30 am than she is at noon or 4:30 pm?  Does your coach push you to have the same goals as he does?  Does your coach ever get "exasperated" because you still don't understand an exercise or a movement?

     I have vacationed to several different CF gyms over the years and here's an amazing example of customer service:

     Years ago, I was in San Diego and stopped into CF 619.  I explained to Chris Keith, the owner, I was in town for 4-5 days.  I asked to buy a shirt and what would it cost to come in for open gym and classes.  Nothing.  He sold me a shirt and refused to let me pay anything more.  It gets better.

     At the time my comp program called for Isabel.  I hadn't done Isabel ever.  I was there during a non class time to train.  He proceeded to take me through a very comprehensive warm up for Isabel using the burgener warm up, indian clubs, and some mobility work.  Then he helped me figure out a rep scheme and coached me through it.  But wait, there's more....

     As I was getting ready to leave, he gave me the key code for the gym in case I wanted to come in over the weekend when I had the chance since he knew I was seeing the sights with the family.  Now granted, he knew I had my level 1 and had spent the last hour with me, so maybe he screened me and felt ok.  But I was blown away....

     He had awards all over his walls about being voted the best trainer in San Diego, etc...and it ALL started with his approach to customer service.  Over the years I have referred everyone I knew going to SD to him.  The week after I left I mailed him a box of new speed ropes.  I became a fan for life.  Please don't assume that this is a "policy" at CF619, it might be, but is just what I experienced years ago.

     I say all this to say to most box owners, "Last I checked, I'm paying 'you'...." so if I get stuck in the bathroom from too much mexican the night before and stroll in 5 minutes late, don't tell me to do 50 burpees....  This is a service business and as such, your job is to work hard to be the same gal at 530 am as you are at 530 pm, make my experience the best you can, adjust my programming to 'my' goals, etc....

     I'm paying you!  :)