You are not truly confident until you risk being vulnerable.

     Was told today by my teenage son that he doesn't have the confidence to stand up to some of his friends when they are asking him to make not so good choices.  It got me thinking.....

     True friends are going to accept you for who you are and what you think-even if that is different from them.  That being said, these are kids.  Acceptance means a lot (everything) to them.  So how can I help him see that being vulnerable (telling the friends no, etc...) and risking their ridicule is actually a projection of confidence and strength???

     What does this look like?  It looks like exposure, it looks like risk, it looks a little scary at times.  But if you are confident in who you are, then you can take the chances, live the consequences, hear the judgement, and know that it doesn't change who you are.

Kids

If you stand up to or disagree with your 'friends', you risk being kicked "out of the group".  So instead of being confident in who you are, you give in to try to fit in.  Is it parenting or is it just "who you are" that influences the ability to have the confidence to stand up against the group?

Marriage

This is where risk and vulnerability are paramount.  Can you express yourself without causing an argument?  Can you take criticism without it crushing you or causing you to be defensive?  Sunday will be my 18th anniversary and I'm "still" working to make sure its a safe place for her to share her feelings.  I'm "still" working to make sure that when I let her down I act vulnerably by owning things and letting her be upset.

The Anger or the apathy

     These are the indicators that you are not allowing yourself to be vulnerable.  If you find yourself offended and angry, its likely that you are using that instead of exposing your real feelings or that you aren't allowing others to disagree with you.  If you "couldn't care less" about what people think, that is a hint that you are hiding behind false confidence.

     Anger doesn't get you closer to solutions, it sends the message to people to "back off".  And intuitively we don't want to be closer to angry people.

     Vulnerable, confident people care about people's feelings and aren't afraid to say if they themselves are hurt; they take on possible rejection or ridicule to share real feelings; they know that who they are isn't swayed by the opinions of others.  Now how do I tell that to my kid???