I've taken a small dose of Lexapro since September of 2011. I was dealing with a stressful time in my life and a Physician's Assistant friend suggested that I needed to get on an anti-anxiety medication. He had known me at that point since 1991 and remarked that I'd "always" needed this because of my personality.
The background is that I grew up in a chaotic home getting in lots of trouble through early childhood into adolescence. Boundaries were virtually nonexistent and that caused me to push my life and people in it very hard to feel in control. I built businesses, I ran multi-day races, ultra-marathons, immersed myself in ministries, went to college as an adult to complete various degrees, etc etc etc.
So the stress of 2011 was a culmination of 40 years spent running my life as fast as I could. All along, inside my head would spin fast and almost out of control in times of conflict. Enter medication and a life that changed for the better.
In these 7+ years, I have learned to slow life down and react far less to stresses. But there is a down side....I've come to realize that my emotions are almost numbed. I enjoy not having lows and periods of being upset about things. But it also takes away a lot of the highs and excitement that life produces. I stay almost entirely level and things don't really bother me nor do they excite me.
I am able to stay focused at work and get a lot done steadily because very little distracts me. The old me would deal with periods of distraction due to becoming hyper focused on something because it either bothered me or interested me to such a degree.
I used to get very upset and frustrated when the kids would not meet my expectations or when my wife would not understand me. Now I have an almost apathetic attitude towards things. Feeling that its not really up to me to worry beyond what I can control. I just do what I think is my best and if its not enough I just resolve to learn and try better in the future vs. getting upset.
So here we are. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I discontinue the medication. Would I be happier and sadder at the same time?? Would I get more from life? Or would it control me like it used to.
This medication wasn't supposed to be forever. My doctor seemed to indicate that along with the counseling I went through, it would be a thing that would help "re-wire" the pathways in my brain into new habits and characteristics. But yet I'm still here taking the dose and wondering if I'm "normal" or if I'm "abnormal". The funny part about it all though is that I don't really care all that much....all part of the change I guess.
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