Lexapro diaries pt 2-going off the medication

     I have taken lexapro since Sept 2011.  It was actually a good thing :)

     I was explained that the way it was supposed to work for me was kind of like this:

Imagine a large meadow or field of grass.  There are paths that get worn down from you're walking that way over the years.  Habits, reactions, ways of doing things if you will.  When you take this medication and go through counseling, its going to allow you to take different paths through the meadow.  Create new habits and reactions to things.

     Before I began taking the medication, I always wondered why in conflict I couldn't react the way I wanted to.  In short, I seemed to always over react.  If friends could ask me about relationships, I could give GREAT insight and advice.  But I just could not travel down that path myself in the heat of battle.

     The lexapro (plus counseling) made all the difference to me.  I was finally able to listen.  I was able to sit and think about how I was going to react and respond to something.  I was finally able to walk a new path.  Of course no one is perfect, but my reaction to conflict changed very much for the better.

     I decided a few months ago (with the consent of my doctor) that it was time to get off of the medication.  It was never meant to be a long term medicine for people I am told.  And 7 years was probably a little longer than recommended.  The idea was that at this point, I had created the new habits, the new pathways through the meadow.  I had changed my behavior.

     It was a curious time though because there was the "what if I become like the old me" question.  My friend asked me the other day, knowing its been 2 months, how I was feeling without the medication.  Did I notice a difference.  I don't.  I feel like I'm walking through the new paths that I established with the medicine.  I guess I still know the choice is there to lose it over things, but I just don't really do that anymore.

     So I guess taking the medication but not having something you're actively working to change isn't really helpful.  I'm walking the path I want to walk.

     And here's something VERY curious.  The numbness I discussed in the last lexapro diaries posting, it's going away.  I've cried many times in the last 2 months reading books, watching a show, and a few times just thinking about some things.  It's the strangest thing.

     There's still things in my life that I wonder "Should I care more about this?"  But I just chalk it up to my reactions/responses to stressful situations as being retrained.

     So there it is.  The latest in the lexapro diaries....

Lexapro diaries

     I've taken a small dose of Lexapro since September of 2011.  I was dealing with a stressful time in my life and a Physician's Assistant friend suggested that I needed to get on an anti-anxiety medication.  He had known me at that point since 1991 and remarked that I'd "always" needed this because of my personality.

     The background is that I grew up in a chaotic home getting in lots of trouble through early childhood into adolescence.  Boundaries were virtually nonexistent and that caused me to push my life and people in it very hard to feel in control.  I built businesses, I ran multi-day races, ultra-marathons, immersed myself in ministries, went to college as an adult to complete various degrees, etc etc etc.

     So the stress of 2011 was a culmination of 40 years spent running my life as fast as I could.  All along, inside my head would spin fast and almost out of control in times of conflict.  Enter medication and a life that changed for the better.

     In these 7+ years, I have learned to slow life down and react far less to stresses.  But there is a down side....I've come to realize that my emotions are almost numbed.  I enjoy not having lows and periods of being upset about things.  But it also takes away a lot of the highs and excitement that life produces.  I stay almost entirely level and things don't really bother me nor do they excite me.

     I am able to stay focused at work and get a lot done steadily because very little distracts me.  The old me would deal with periods of distraction due to becoming hyper focused on something because it either bothered me or interested me to such a degree.

     I used to get very upset and frustrated when the kids would not meet my expectations or when my wife would not understand me.  Now I have an almost apathetic attitude towards things.  Feeling that its not really up to me to worry beyond what I can control.  I just do what I think is my best and if its not enough I just resolve to learn and try better in the future vs. getting upset.

     So here we are.  I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I discontinue the medication.  Would I be happier and sadder at the same time??  Would I get more from life?  Or would it control me like it used to.

     This medication wasn't supposed to be forever.  My doctor seemed to indicate that along with the counseling I went through, it would be a thing that would help "re-wire" the pathways in my brain into new habits and characteristics.  But yet I'm still here taking the dose and wondering if I'm "normal" or if I'm "abnormal".  The funny part about it all though is that I don't really care all that much....all part of the change I guess.

I grew up fighting

     A few weeks ago I was out with friends and the subject came up of some guy getting in another guys face and how the one backed down and was quite meek about it.  And to me it was kind of crazy to think of this.  But one of the guys we were out with said, "who cares, what would be the point of fighting?"

     I almost fell out of my chair.  I mean sure, a guy calls you a name, who cares.  Or someone cuts you off in traffic or flips you off, so what.  But when the guy is pushing you around and threatening you????  It just seemed like there was really NO other choices but to finish what this guy was starting.....

     Let's move backwards for a second.  Some of my youngest memories are of either seeing people fight in my family or me actually fighting.  (Second grade was one of my 1st serious fights-5th grade David Milligan brutally beat the shit out of me, and then there's the note in kindergarden when I pulled the knife on Tray....)

 So for me, this was a default until I turned 18.  After I turned 18 I knew that I'd go to jail.  But there was one time about 7-8 years ago...  I was in a business meeting and one of the doctors was questioning the way I was running our partnership.  We were getting snippy with each other and he said "fuck you".....Up I went, grabbed him and physically removed him from the meeting room.  I'm lucky I didn't go to jail?!?!?  What the hell was I thinking?

     Son thereafter I learned to slow things down and think rationally.  (read: my life long anxiety got treated).  Even since then though I've had escalations that at the time seemed "reasonable" but then looking back were not how I would re-do them.  But if you are wired to fight, it is a weird thing to have someone challenge you and to back down meekly.  But I gained a huge perspective and admiration for the guy who said to me, "who cares, what would be the point of fighting?".  He's right!  Do I want my sons fighting or do I want them self-confident enough to know fighting is stupid and gets you no where?

     We always have a choice to escalate a situation or try to de-escalate it.  What takes more strength of character?  What is more impressive?  The guy who is challenged and beats another guy into a pulp or the guy who can make the situation go away by backing down?  De-escalation is a skill we are seldom taught as little boys :(

     Always growing, always learning and always hoping to be a better man than I was in the past.  Sadly its a long road from where I started!!