Lexapro diaries pt 2-going off the medication

     I have taken lexapro since Sept 2011.  It was actually a good thing :)

     I was explained that the way it was supposed to work for me was kind of like this:

Imagine a large meadow or field of grass.  There are paths that get worn down from you're walking that way over the years.  Habits, reactions, ways of doing things if you will.  When you take this medication and go through counseling, its going to allow you to take different paths through the meadow.  Create new habits and reactions to things.

     Before I began taking the medication, I always wondered why in conflict I couldn't react the way I wanted to.  In short, I seemed to always over react.  If friends could ask me about relationships, I could give GREAT insight and advice.  But I just could not travel down that path myself in the heat of battle.

     The lexapro (plus counseling) made all the difference to me.  I was finally able to listen.  I was able to sit and think about how I was going to react and respond to something.  I was finally able to walk a new path.  Of course no one is perfect, but my reaction to conflict changed very much for the better.

     I decided a few months ago (with the consent of my doctor) that it was time to get off of the medication.  It was never meant to be a long term medicine for people I am told.  And 7 years was probably a little longer than recommended.  The idea was that at this point, I had created the new habits, the new pathways through the meadow.  I had changed my behavior.

     It was a curious time though because there was the "what if I become like the old me" question.  My friend asked me the other day, knowing its been 2 months, how I was feeling without the medication.  Did I notice a difference.  I don't.  I feel like I'm walking through the new paths that I established with the medicine.  I guess I still know the choice is there to lose it over things, but I just don't really do that anymore.

     So I guess taking the medication but not having something you're actively working to change isn't really helpful.  I'm walking the path I want to walk.

     And here's something VERY curious.  The numbness I discussed in the last lexapro diaries posting, it's going away.  I've cried many times in the last 2 months reading books, watching a show, and a few times just thinking about some things.  It's the strangest thing.

     There's still things in my life that I wonder "Should I care more about this?"  But I just chalk it up to my reactions/responses to stressful situations as being retrained.

     So there it is.  The latest in the lexapro diaries....