Harden the F up!

     I have 3 children.  One of them (the youngest) is in the school nurse's office a few times a week; always seems to have an ailment.  I took him to a cardiologist (don't ask) a few months ago and after he examined him the doc pulled me aside and said, "Is he...would you say...usually dramatic?".  My oldest one on the other hand literally stopped crying over pain at age 3 or 4.  I recall being at a birthday party and he took a header off of a plastic play slide.  I was standing with 2 other dads and one of them got a little concerned as he watched it happen and said, "Whoa!  Is he okay???".  The other dad turned to him an said, "You don't know Noah....".

     What's the point?  I guess the point is that I have to work hard to convey to my other 2 kids (and myself) that there is no one in the world that is you.  So when you see their struggles and you gauge them against "what you would do or have done", there is a good chance you are being unfair, un-compassionate, unloving.  At the very least, you are making a judgment that is based on a guess and not reality.  Do I think my youngest "really" has a tummy ache everyday, chest pain on occasion, terrible pain from a superficial scratch that brings him to tears???  Or do I think he might be crying wolf a little?  Well....maybe a little bit of both.  :)

     It's so hard to not just tell him to toughen up, quit complaining, look at his brother, you can't be serious, c'mon!, etc....  But I think to myself, what is the end point on that kind of treatment?  I'd like to think it is that he learns to "be tough".  And while that may be true, I believe that the other likely outcome is that he learns that his relationship with his dad is not a safe one to express hurts and pain and upsets.  That I don't believe him, that I don't believe "in" him.  Wow....that is the LAST thing I would want....

     The world struggles so much with judging and comparing each other.  Everyone has a different genetic code (read: pain tolerance), a different upbringing (read: 1st born, last born), a different story, a different struggle, and a different place they are coming from.  We need to realize that most people are fundamentally trying to do their best but all of us are in a wounded state of one degree or another.

     So I work hard to make sure to show love....what's the worst thing compassion can bring?  He may never toughen up, but if the trade is that he and I remain connected and close....I'll take a softie!