The happy marriage trap

     I have a close friend that is in the middle of a divorce.  After nearly 20 years.  The only explanation I'm hearing is that the spouse wasn't happy.

     I've been married almost 21 years.  I have had some periods where I felt unhappy.  I have had a few periods that I felt happy.  But by and large I have been neither happy nor unhappy.  It's not an either or.

     Saying I want to be happy is basically chasing perfection.  If I am happy with a situation, its going great and I have no complaints.  Nothing can change to make it better.

     There's a difference in being happy with your situation and being happy in your situation.

     I think that very few spouses are happy.  Most people would agree that their marriage isn't perfect.

MYTH 1: If I'm not happy, I'm unhappy.

     On the other hand, unhappy is an entirely different animal.  If you are unhappy, I think that you should seriously consider getting out of the situation you are in.  If you are unhappy, you cannot be happy.  However, if you are not happy, it doesn't mean you are unhappy.

      I have a suspicion that my friend's spouse has found themselves in a position that they aren't unhappy, however internally some things have shifted that makes them realize that in this marriage there is no longer even the potential to be happy.

     Hope and potential are powerful things.  They can keep you in a situation that isn't happy, yet isn't unhappy either.  I suspect my friend's spouse lost hope or saw no potential and then finally decided to be done.  They will probably end up in a situation that gives them more hope and potential, but not likely the happy they are after.

MYTH 2: Everyone has the potential to be happy.

     As for me and my 21 year "secret".  I have found that I live each day in the present as best as I can.  I try not to look at the past nor the future.  I try to accept things and people for the way they are today and make decisions based on today.  Do I want to be "happy"?  I suppose I do, but based on who I am, I may never be able to have that, or I may, who knows.  I have no idea or any way to tell if that's in my future.  I can only work to be the best me and most accepting me today.

Lexapro diaries pt 2-going off the medication

     I have taken lexapro since Sept 2011.  It was actually a good thing :)

     I was explained that the way it was supposed to work for me was kind of like this:

Imagine a large meadow or field of grass.  There are paths that get worn down from you're walking that way over the years.  Habits, reactions, ways of doing things if you will.  When you take this medication and go through counseling, its going to allow you to take different paths through the meadow.  Create new habits and reactions to things.

     Before I began taking the medication, I always wondered why in conflict I couldn't react the way I wanted to.  In short, I seemed to always over react.  If friends could ask me about relationships, I could give GREAT insight and advice.  But I just could not travel down that path myself in the heat of battle.

     The lexapro (plus counseling) made all the difference to me.  I was finally able to listen.  I was able to sit and think about how I was going to react and respond to something.  I was finally able to walk a new path.  Of course no one is perfect, but my reaction to conflict changed very much for the better.

     I decided a few months ago (with the consent of my doctor) that it was time to get off of the medication.  It was never meant to be a long term medicine for people I am told.  And 7 years was probably a little longer than recommended.  The idea was that at this point, I had created the new habits, the new pathways through the meadow.  I had changed my behavior.

     It was a curious time though because there was the "what if I become like the old me" question.  My friend asked me the other day, knowing its been 2 months, how I was feeling without the medication.  Did I notice a difference.  I don't.  I feel like I'm walking through the new paths that I established with the medicine.  I guess I still know the choice is there to lose it over things, but I just don't really do that anymore.

     So I guess taking the medication but not having something you're actively working to change isn't really helpful.  I'm walking the path I want to walk.

     And here's something VERY curious.  The numbness I discussed in the last lexapro diaries posting, it's going away.  I've cried many times in the last 2 months reading books, watching a show, and a few times just thinking about some things.  It's the strangest thing.

     There's still things in my life that I wonder "Should I care more about this?"  But I just chalk it up to my reactions/responses to stressful situations as being retrained.

     So there it is.  The latest in the lexapro diaries....

What I believe part 2

     A guy asked me about my faith recently.  It led to quite a conversation.  My beliefs have really continued to change as the years have gone on.  Here was part one of my beliefs I wrote 5/12/15: previous blog It discussed creation, the bible, homosexuality, Jesus, etc....

Here is some of what we discussed:

1. Personal God, impersonal God, hands-on, hands-off:

     I think that my traditional understanding has always been that we have a personal hands-on God.  Pray and God hears you.  Pray enough and you can change things.  But the more I live and see and experience, I am starting to think that we have a personal God that is hands-off.  In other words, the world was set in motion and now its going and he is sitting back watching.  But I think there is a personal vesting or interest in our lives as well.

     Thinking of God as a father to all of us, makes it easier for me to try to wrap my head and heart around things.  If I raise my kids and send them off into the world, now life is up to them.  If they do well, I celebrate with them.  If they fall on hard times, I'm sad with them.  But should I be getting involved in their problems?  If I want them to stand on their own 2 feet, then I'd say no I shouldn't.  They are always welcome to come over for dinner, but don't expect me to hand out $ to bail them out of problems.  I have 3 kids, what if I had 3 billion?  Then I kinda need to be rooting for them, but not living their lives.  What if they beg me?  Isn't this kinda like prayer?  Does begging get me to intervene in their lives???  I mean it shouldn't.  Maybe once in a GREAT while I might show up and do something completely unexpected.  But it should never be expected.

     And then when my kids are grown ups, am I punishing them ever for their mistakes?  I'd say no.  I'd say life and mistakes are punishment enough.  I'm in their corner sitting with them in their mess, sad right along side of them.  But I'm not orchestrating a punishment for their behavior....  There is a saying, "sin is its own punishment".  I'm not ever withholding love or withholding protection anymore than I'm ever arbitrarily giving favor to one child over the other.  So why would God be any different if I'm made in his image?

2. Animals versus humans....evil versus altruism.....consciousness versus instinct

     As humans, we are animals.  We're an animal with a brain that has evolved to have a consciousness.  I think that when that happened, we became aware.  We began to think about creation and the start of this whole thing.  I'm not entirely sure how God may have begun to interact with us.  I mean along with consciousness comes the yearning to know our creator and the desire to make sense of it all. 

    Science will tell you (pretty strongly) evolution has occurred, that there were other humans besides us (homo-sapiens).  So what's the problem if a creator began the whole show and evolution took us to animals that became conscious-which would be in the image of God (the ultimate form of consciousness some would say)?  It doesn't have to be an either/or.

     So now evil as we call it, happens when we (sadly) embrace our animal nature and instincts.  But what happens when we embrace our consciousness?  Love, empathy, forgiveness, altruism.  Those are very scarce qualities in the animal kingdom.  They happen within family lines, but you never see a hyena calling over to the jackal to share the carcass.  So are you a conscious animal?  I am.  So act like one, don't just act like an animal.  Act with the gifts that came with the consciousness.


3. Other religious faiths:

     I think that religion is a cultural phenomenon.  I was born in a Christian nation.  Go back 2,500 years and there was no such thing.  What about those born in a Muslim nation?  Hindu?  Etc....

     So what does that mean?  I guess I don't really know.  If my concept of us being children of God is accurate, then maybe the new command Jesus gave in John 13:34-35, (to love one another and that is how we will know that we are his followers), is the criteria we need to use to decide if we are indeed following God. 

     What about all the other extra stuff besides that?  I don't know, what about it?  I mean there are funny things about us humans that makes us exhibit a tribalism that causes us to want to be better/different than those "others".  In and within all religious faiths a layer gets placed on top of loving one another.  This succeeds in turning the focus into an "us" versus "them".   The added layers might even be well meaning and well intentioned in order to "keep us on track" in our efforts to be loving.

     But consider that if we are children of God.  What kind of sense does it make for me to promote my kids to go off in three different directions of exclusivity (Christian, Jew, Muslim) if that is something that really matters?  Unless maybe the only thing that "really" matters is not how they worship, but how they love?? 

Lexapro diaries

     I've taken a small dose of Lexapro since September of 2011.  I was dealing with a stressful time in my life and a Physician's Assistant friend suggested that I needed to get on an anti-anxiety medication.  He had known me at that point since 1991 and remarked that I'd "always" needed this because of my personality.

     The background is that I grew up in a chaotic home getting in lots of trouble through early childhood into adolescence.  Boundaries were virtually nonexistent and that caused me to push my life and people in it very hard to feel in control.  I built businesses, I ran multi-day races, ultra-marathons, immersed myself in ministries, went to college as an adult to complete various degrees, etc etc etc.

     So the stress of 2011 was a culmination of 40 years spent running my life as fast as I could.  All along, inside my head would spin fast and almost out of control in times of conflict.  Enter medication and a life that changed for the better.

     In these 7+ years, I have learned to slow life down and react far less to stresses.  But there is a down side....I've come to realize that my emotions are almost numbed.  I enjoy not having lows and periods of being upset about things.  But it also takes away a lot of the highs and excitement that life produces.  I stay almost entirely level and things don't really bother me nor do they excite me.

     I am able to stay focused at work and get a lot done steadily because very little distracts me.  The old me would deal with periods of distraction due to becoming hyper focused on something because it either bothered me or interested me to such a degree.

     I used to get very upset and frustrated when the kids would not meet my expectations or when my wife would not understand me.  Now I have an almost apathetic attitude towards things.  Feeling that its not really up to me to worry beyond what I can control.  I just do what I think is my best and if its not enough I just resolve to learn and try better in the future vs. getting upset.

     So here we are.  I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I discontinue the medication.  Would I be happier and sadder at the same time??  Would I get more from life?  Or would it control me like it used to.

     This medication wasn't supposed to be forever.  My doctor seemed to indicate that along with the counseling I went through, it would be a thing that would help "re-wire" the pathways in my brain into new habits and characteristics.  But yet I'm still here taking the dose and wondering if I'm "normal" or if I'm "abnormal".  The funny part about it all though is that I don't really care all that much....all part of the change I guess.