Sex-marriage or not?

Recently I was speaking to one of the teenagers about sex and its context within marriage or not. I communicated that I didn’t necessarily think sex was only for marriage. However I do think that marriage provides much of the context that should be considered when deciding whether to engage in sexual activity.

What I mean is that I believe that sex should be reserved for BOTH of the following:

1. Committed relationships
2. Times in life that you are prepared (mentally, socially, financially, etc…) to deal with the consequences that come along with pregnancy.

Committed relationships are important because sexual relationships (like it or not) mean a lot. They are chemically bonding between 2 people. And if you are not in a committed relationship with the person there’s probably a reason. Either the person isn’t someone you want to be with long term or you aren’t psychologically ready for a commitment. In either case, creating a chemical bond with someone in those cases is a bad idea.

Then the other side of things is the readiness to deal with pregnancy. I made the analogy about driving above the speed limit. If you are going to take that risk, you should be ready to accept that if things don’t go your way that you will have to pay a speeding ticket and higher insurance premiums.

If things don’t go your way with sex (meaning you have a pregnancy before you are prepared for one) then you have to know you are going to need to deal with that.

So in reality, marriage often does fit the criteria for sexual preparedness. But deconstructing it even further, I think that you must make sure that you have thought it through all the way.

The happy marriage trap

     I have a close friend that is in the middle of a divorce.  After nearly 20 years.  The only explanation I'm hearing is that the spouse wasn't happy.

     I've been married almost 21 years.  I have had some periods where I felt unhappy.  I have had a few periods that I felt happy.  But by and large I have been neither happy nor unhappy.  It's not an either or.

     Saying I want to be happy is basically chasing perfection.  If I am happy with a situation, its going great and I have no complaints.  Nothing can change to make it better.

     There's a difference in being happy with your situation and being happy in your situation.

     I think that very few spouses are happy.  Most people would agree that their marriage isn't perfect.

MYTH 1: If I'm not happy, I'm unhappy.

     On the other hand, unhappy is an entirely different animal.  If you are unhappy, I think that you should seriously consider getting out of the situation you are in.  If you are unhappy, you cannot be happy.  However, if you are not happy, it doesn't mean you are unhappy.

      I have a suspicion that my friend's spouse has found themselves in a position that they aren't unhappy, however internally some things have shifted that makes them realize that in this marriage there is no longer even the potential to be happy.

     Hope and potential are powerful things.  They can keep you in a situation that isn't happy, yet isn't unhappy either.  I suspect my friend's spouse lost hope or saw no potential and then finally decided to be done.  They will probably end up in a situation that gives them more hope and potential, but not likely the happy they are after.

MYTH 2: Everyone has the potential to be happy.

     As for me and my 21 year "secret".  I have found that I live each day in the present as best as I can.  I try not to look at the past nor the future.  I try to accept things and people for the way they are today and make decisions based on today.  Do I want to be "happy"?  I suppose I do, but based on who I am, I may never be able to have that, or I may, who knows.  I have no idea or any way to tell if that's in my future.  I can only work to be the best me and most accepting me today.

What is a soul mate really.....

   The concept of a soul mate is pretty interesting.  Apparently the term comes from some myth about the gods splitting the original humans in half and each human then longed for their "other half".

     A few months ago there was an interesting video on the subject that said that people with the belief in a soul mate had more problems in their relationships than those who weren't invested in that ideology.  Makes sense.  I guess their always looking for the bigger better deal.

     In my opinion, a soul mate would be able to meet your needs in a wide range of areas:  sexually, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically, morally, socially, politically, and etc.... Is that too much to ask from one person?  I mean really.


     The saying opposites attract is often very true.  Are they soul mates???

     And look at arranged marriage cultures.  In Amish, Hindu, and Orthodox Jews the divorce rate is 1,3,and 7%.  Are they picking soul mates?  Just because they stay together though doesn't mean they're happy either...but I'd bet plenty are.

    So a few months ago I made the hypothetical example to a friend that I had everything going well with my marriage, my wife and I were on the same page with everything except religion/spirituality.  Then I said, "if you and your wife had the same issue, would you mind if I met with your wife once a month to go over a bible study or go to church?"  And he said that he would be fine with that.  I said, "are you sure?  You wouldn't feel threatened or upset that you were not fulfilling her in that area, that you two weren't on the same page?".  He said, "no I'd think it was cool".

     So for fun I shifted it to sex.  What if everything was going great except there were some sexual things that just didn't line up perfectly but all in all it was mostly good and the same applied to you and your marriage.  Would it be okay if I met up with your wife once a month in that area??  He said, "no of course not....".

     So it was all a funny hypothetical, but at what point does not being enough in ALL areas of compatibility become an issue.  At what point do you say that you "deserve" to be fulfilled in all the areas of your relationship?  If you believe in a soul mate, then you probably think you are "settling" in a relationship if EVERYTHING isn't lined up and meeting your needs.

     I am married to my best friend.  Don't tell me something you don't want her to know.  And vice versa.  BUT, we also have a lot of areas that we differ in.  We have areas that I think she goes too far and she thinks I don't go far enough.  We have our share of arguments and disagreements about things.

     Is there anyone out there that may be more compatible for either of us?  Maybe.  I guess I don't really think about that because I'm happy.  I suppose that I've learned that since there are no perfect people, that would mean that there are no perfect relationships either.  And so in the end maybe it comes down to this: soul mates accept each other.

     I accept her and she accepts me.  I "know" her and she "knows" me.  And she and I STILL accept each other.  I think that maybe that may be my definition of a soul mate.

     Someone who knows you really and accepts you.

Is marriage harder than parenting?

     There are varying views on this subject.  Some folks say the opposite.  But here's why I think marriage is harder than parenting (usually...until you get to #6):

     1. Parenting has an end point.  At a certain point, you are no longer parenting your kids (hopefully...).  Sure you are always their parent, but parenting scales WAY back into coaching and ultimately friendship. There is (supposed to be) no end point with marriage.

     2. There is more pressure to parent.  Society frowns upon giving up on your kids and abandoning them because its not working out.  It does not seem to carry the same views about marriage.  You can divorce and start over multiple times with minimal societal shunning.  (I understand not in all cases, but isn't that a subtle form of abandoning your kids?  At least part time....)

     3. Spouses have the power to hurt each other...severely.  With your kids, its almost exclusively a 1 way street in the hurt department.  We all find a way to mess up our kids unintentionally.  But with our spouses, the wounds are already there from childhood and so it is a little like trying to walk thru a minefield blindfolded the 1st few years.  (Good news, spouses also have the power to heal each others childhood wounds too!)

     4. Marriage has a LOT of expectations of one another.  You are expected to fulfill me as a friend, lover, confidant, pick me up when I'm down, communicate vulnerably to me, and for a long long time.  Parenting comes with a decent amount of expectations but not near as many; and very few that require vulnerability.  That is huge.  Less vulnerability means less chance for hurt.  And hurt...hurts.

     5. One is biological/emotional, the other is just emotional.  Let's face it, your kids are....your kids.  When they drive you crazy, make you mad, etc....you can fall back on a deep love for them that you just can't get away from.  Your marriage is a choice.  And sometimes you have to fight hard to make the choice to stay in it or do the right thing or apologize or whatever.  I can't tell you how many times I've peeked in on my kids sleeping and get that giddy feeling in my stomach.  Peeking in on your spouse sleeping....it's not the same is it?

     6. The wildcard.  Most of us have finite energies and end up early on putting our efforts primarily into the kids or working because that's where the heaviest obligation and neediness lies.  Marriages can take a back seat "while the kids are little" or "while I'm establishing my career" we often think.  But what is truly the longterm constant, work, kids, or marriage?  I have never put "till death do we part" on a job application.

And as we have seen, parenting has an end point.  If we approach our lives with the end in mind, (who is going to be there for me in 30 years?) then the nurturing for the marriage must be there from the start and stay there.  This makes marriage MUCH easier in the long term.  But because so few of us do it, we end up trying to dig ourselves out of a hole later on in the relationship.  So the folks that say marriage is easier....I think they may have all started out with a different perspective in the start and laid a foundation that paid dividends later.