The message of no confidence

     Kathy and I were discussing the fact this morning that she makes breakfast for the 3 kids every morning before school.  They are 11, 15, and 16.  She then recalled how she was getting her own breakfast from a very early age.  I said that I remember my mom making me scrambled eggs and toast in high school but I couldn't decide if that was just a sweet memory or if it happened everyday.

     In anycase, we discussed the idea of the importance of the kids learning to fend for themselves balanced with the desire to create those fond memories.

     In part we do things for our kids out of convenience (its easier for us) and also because we want things done right.  But mistakes are part of the learning curve.

     We have the choice to rescue our kids or let them struggle and learn to do things for themselves.  The constant rescue sends the message of no confidence in them.  A message of no confidence tells them you see them as incapable.  Letting them struggle however ends up creating self reliance and independence.  But it also feels like you are turning your back on them.  "Hey, help me out here!".  No....

     And so it can feel uncaring and uncomfortable to tell kids "Do it yourself", when they are asking for help.  Obviously making breakfast is probably not exactly a life or death situation.  But in general there is a mindset that needs to be shifted into as the kids get older.  One that moves from us doing for them to them doing for themselves.

     But it's hard to know that line.  It's hard especially when you have a 16 year old and an 11 year old.  One is entirely capable while the other is just kind of getting there with things.  Plus as they age you are surprised by their growing abilities-they aren't your helpless babies anymore.  And maybe you want to hold on to them as your babies to a degree.

     I guess we learn as we go and there isn't really a formula.  It's important to have the support of others going through the parenting thing to lean on though.  I don't want to be a jerk but I also don't want to create a helpless adult.  Such a dilemma......

5 things my kids need to know so they don't mess up their lives

     I have a 15 year old boy starting high school.  To make matters worse, a friend of mine said, "He's the most good looking kid I've ever seen."  Then my wife told me last week, "I think we're about to embark on a wild ride."

     I wish that I could do some things over in my life but even more I wish that my kids would take my advice on a few things.

1. Sex.

     Do NOT get going down this road before you are in a committed relationship AND are prepared (not necessarily ready, but prepared) to have a child.  Having a baby is a game changer.  MTV may make TV shows about teen moms and dads, but it is not worth the risk.

     Aside from pregnancy, all it takes is the wrong sexually transmitted disease and it can stick with you for your whole life.

     Condoms break all the time.  And there is no warning bell to tell you until its too late.  Just wait till you're older.  Please.

2. Alcohol or Drugs.

     There's a difference between having a drink and drinking to get drunk.  Sadly many kids drink to get drunk.  Or do drugs to get high.

     Bad things can happen when you lower your inhibitions.  Things you would love to do normally but your self-control allows you to make the right choices all the sudden become easier to do when drugs or alcohol are involved.

     Unfortunately, the "everyone is doing it" argument is sadly sort of true.  A large percentage of kids these days experiment.  But there are plenty who don't.  Guess what?  You won't regret waiting till you are older to experiment with having a drink.  And drugs are illegal for a reason.

     Every week there is another story about some unknown substance that caused a problem or death in a child who tried a drug.  You really cannot tell what is in the stuff that's out there.  Many times it is very dangerous.  On top of this, you can never tell how your body is going to react to things.

3. Fighting.

     Fighting rarely if ever solves problems.  I know emotions run high but aside from the dangers of fighting (weapons can get involved, injury/death, arrests, etc...) there is a strength MUCH greater than showing aggression, it is self-control.  It is a much greater display or power to hold back from fighting than to do it.

     Fighting often leads to more fighting.  Be the bigger person and let it go.
   
4. Risk taking.

     This encompasses a lot.  From physically dangerous things to the 3 things above.  Learn to override that voice that says, "It's fine, nothing will happen to me".  And weigh the risks.  (What if....)  As a parent we worry so much about you doing things that will "probably" be okay, but might go catastrophically wrong if one little unforseen thing happens.  

     The world can be a fun place without being so dangerous.

5. Realize that your friends will never love and care for you like your family.  Remember that when deciding who to listen to.


     In the story of Adam and Eve, God was the perfect parent and they STILL made a huge wrong choice in the garden.  We are far from perfect parents and so we can't expect you to be perfect either.  When you make mistakes, we will figure it out.  When you fall down, we'll try to help you up.  We've been there, made the mistakes and hope we can save you the trouble.

Taking the pressures off of parenting.....

     Blog summary: If God (the perfect parent) couldn't parent Adam and Eve well enough to keep them from bringing sin onto the entire world....how can you put the pressure on yourself to be a "good enough" parent??

     If you want to hear more, keep reading, but that sums it up.

     Ok, so I have a philosophy in parenting that not everyone shares...but seriously think about it.  God was the parent to Adam and Eve, he wasn't overbearing, permissive, or laying guilt trips, he was/is perfect.  So that being said, his kids still went their own way, made bad choices, and let him down.

     He had a contingency plan though (as we all should) for if they made the wrong choices.  It revolved around consequence yes, but with a lot of love and connection too.

     If our kids turn out great, try not to pat yourself on the back too much, just count yourself fortunate.  If they turn out as rotten degenerates try not to beat yourself up to much, they have freedom of choice.

     And speaking of that.....

The ultimate expression of love of someone, is their freedom.  God didn't put the forbidden tree in the back of the garden under lock and key.  It was in the MIDDLE of the garden.  Hello???

     They had freedom, they weren't living a sheltered life.  The tree was in their faces.  Do you reallllllllly think you can control your kids into being good and making the right choices????

     Do your best, hit the pillow at night knowing that you are as imperfect as they are and that you love them and are trying your best.  Life is meant to be lived, not controlled.

Is marriage harder than parenting?

     There are varying views on this subject.  Some folks say the opposite.  But here's why I think marriage is harder than parenting (usually...until you get to #6):

     1. Parenting has an end point.  At a certain point, you are no longer parenting your kids (hopefully...).  Sure you are always their parent, but parenting scales WAY back into coaching and ultimately friendship. There is (supposed to be) no end point with marriage.

     2. There is more pressure to parent.  Society frowns upon giving up on your kids and abandoning them because its not working out.  It does not seem to carry the same views about marriage.  You can divorce and start over multiple times with minimal societal shunning.  (I understand not in all cases, but isn't that a subtle form of abandoning your kids?  At least part time....)

     3. Spouses have the power to hurt each other...severely.  With your kids, its almost exclusively a 1 way street in the hurt department.  We all find a way to mess up our kids unintentionally.  But with our spouses, the wounds are already there from childhood and so it is a little like trying to walk thru a minefield blindfolded the 1st few years.  (Good news, spouses also have the power to heal each others childhood wounds too!)

     4. Marriage has a LOT of expectations of one another.  You are expected to fulfill me as a friend, lover, confidant, pick me up when I'm down, communicate vulnerably to me, and for a long long time.  Parenting comes with a decent amount of expectations but not near as many; and very few that require vulnerability.  That is huge.  Less vulnerability means less chance for hurt.  And hurt...hurts.

     5. One is biological/emotional, the other is just emotional.  Let's face it, your kids are....your kids.  When they drive you crazy, make you mad, etc....you can fall back on a deep love for them that you just can't get away from.  Your marriage is a choice.  And sometimes you have to fight hard to make the choice to stay in it or do the right thing or apologize or whatever.  I can't tell you how many times I've peeked in on my kids sleeping and get that giddy feeling in my stomach.  Peeking in on your spouse sleeping....it's not the same is it?

     6. The wildcard.  Most of us have finite energies and end up early on putting our efforts primarily into the kids or working because that's where the heaviest obligation and neediness lies.  Marriages can take a back seat "while the kids are little" or "while I'm establishing my career" we often think.  But what is truly the longterm constant, work, kids, or marriage?  I have never put "till death do we part" on a job application.

And as we have seen, parenting has an end point.  If we approach our lives with the end in mind, (who is going to be there for me in 30 years?) then the nurturing for the marriage must be there from the start and stay there.  This makes marriage MUCH easier in the long term.  But because so few of us do it, we end up trying to dig ourselves out of a hole later on in the relationship.  So the folks that say marriage is easier....I think they may have all started out with a different perspective in the start and laid a foundation that paid dividends later.