It shouldn't be this hard!!!

     I've heard this over the years from many folks and about many situations.

Let's start with getting ripped abs....what the heck?!?!?  It shouldn't be this hard.  And especially as I get older it gets harder (I assume....since I've never really put in the work to have them:))

Relationships.  Marriage shouldn't be this hard!!

Parenting.  Raising a kid to make good decisions shouldn't be this hard!

Money.  Making half a million dollars a year shouldn't be this hard!!!!

Running a marathon, deadlifting 500 lbs, finishing medical school, etc....

    Guess what bitches?

ANYTHING worth a fuck, is not going to come easy.....

"yeah but it shouldn't be this hard......"

     In the real world, some things come easier for others than they do you.  Maybe you're a hot mess because your parents never showed you they loved you.  Guess what?  Relationships are going to be hard for you.  Maybe you are built like a marathon runner.  Guess what?  A 500lb deadlift probably is not going to be very easy for you.  Maybe you were an impulsive/unpredictable kid from a home where chaos reigned.  Guess what?  Parenting (and plenty of other things) may be hard for you because of many reasons.....

Are you getting the picture?  So what now?  Give up?  Settle for mediocre?  

Maybe.  I mean who "really" cares about a 500 lb deadlift.  But if you do, by all means, keep putting in the work!  Do you really want to be a doctor?  Well if not, switch gears and do something easier.  Or buckle down and realize that its going to take some work.

     At the end of the day, know what matters, who matters, and put your energies in the right places.  Count on the right people.  Have a support system.  Love one another through the "hard work" and it gets easier to get to the other side of your goals.  

Know who is on your team rooting for you and who is not and is working against your journey.  (cupcakes and ice cream are working against your desire for ripped abs-in case you didn't know....)

But by all means, and this is the key, you can't make it through life alone.  Find a relationship (hard or not) and hang on to get the good stuff in life!!

Intelligence, experience, love

     I've got 3 kids.  From an academic standpoint, I have a straight A student, another that gets lots of C's, and another that struggles to pass every year.

     I think I used to say things about the last 2 like, "oh they're smart, but just haven't found their way or their strengths yet.".  But the older these kids get, I start to think that maybe that some folks just aren't as smart as others.  I mean in life I have no problem thinking that about people I run into.  Some folks just need more time to "get things" that others "get" right away.  I guess we are a lot like computers, some people process fast, others slow.  And maybe some will never understand certain things that others do.  

     But this gauge isn't necessarily an indicator of 1. The kind of person they are and 2. their future success.  We all know the really smart person who screwed up their life or is just a straight up jerk.  And we all know the person who never did well in school but went on to be very successful in business and/or was the "nicest guy".

     So I guess I started to look at other things that might be attributes I can cultivate in my kids.  And I came up with Intelligence, experience, and love.

Intelligence

     I push my kids to do their best.  I ask them to be proud of working hard and achieving.  But I also realize that some folks might be what you call a C student. 

Experience

     In a way this is what some people call common sense.  The experiences of life.  But it is also a type of learning that is often not an academic type.  I'm currently more intelligent than my youngest son, but his experience on the computer blows my mind at what he can do.  And so I push the kids to get understanding of things through life and its encounters.

Love

     I believe this virtue is so very important to cultivate.  And it comes in many forms.  Kindness to people, to animals, respect for others as well as the earth.  Understanding that there is so much more in this life and world than just us as individuals.  The idea that we are a collective, a community.  And then the idea that relationships of a 1-on-1 nature are where we are supposed to be most safe and secure and learn real love.

     So I hope that this lack of "smarts" turns out to be a blessing for my family.  Because if I had 3 straight A students, I might fall into the trap of thinking that was the determinant of success.  I don't know because I don't have that.  What I do have are 3 kids that I think are really great people and each have their gifts and their struggles and I'm hoping they take the 3 virtues above and work on them the best they can but then at the end of the day be happy with who they are.

Mini blog #1 Trust me....let go of the life jacket

     You are floating in the middle of a rough sea.....you are desperately wearing a life jacket, afraid.   Someone you know well asks you to let go of the life jacket.  It sounds crazy to you because you see this as the only thing keeping you alive.  Without it you would surely drown.  In fact, you've had it on so long you really don't even notice you're wearing it anymore until it gets pointed out.

     They beg you to trust them.  They tell you that there is so much more to things than what you see.  You can't possibly imagine what could be so worth the risk of drowning.

This is the story of intimacy in relationships.  

     We must let go of what we see as safety (the defenses and walls we have up to keep us from deeper connection).  We must let down the walls that we have up that keep us in the shallow waters in order to go deep into relationships.  Vulnerability is built through revealing ourselves for possible rejection and disappointment.

     This quote tells us that doing what we fear most is necessary in order to reach what we truly desire in life.

The blessings of my mothers last days

     I haven't really discussed this much since it occurred.  My mother passed away at the end of April 2015.

     First a backstory: 

     I had a very chaotic childhood, is probably the best way to put it.  My father was never part of the picture after the age of 3.  Prior to that, he wasn't "really" part of the picture because he was incarcerated most of the time.  By the time I was 8 he had died in prison.

     My mom married a guy when I was about 7 or 8 I'd guess.  He was my mom's husband and I literally do not remember him trying to parent me ONCE.  We lived together is how I recall it.  These two had a lifestyle of lots of partying is all I will say.

     After high school graduation, I went in the Air Force and moved to California.  After high school, I saw my mother a few times a year or less.  Once I had children I tried to see her a little more but she never lived too close (AZ or FL).

     My mom and my step dad split shortly after I left and she went on to marry a man that was battling addiction.  That lasted a handful of years and they split and he succumbed to his illness.  She then married another man, with a similar story, battling addiction.  He went on to die from this as well.

     I say all this to say that a parent can love you more than the world itself and still be so terrorized by their own demons and choices that the legacy they leave you is love PLUS a heavy dose of let down and disappointment.

     Now the actual story:

     In September of 2014 my mother was living alone in AZ and was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with metastases to the bone.  At one point she told me that she felt suicidal due to the pain.  I immediately knew that I needed her to move to CA to live with me so that I could help her battle this disease.

     In October we were told the average was 2 years based on her diagnosis.  She lived in my living room on a pull out sofa for the first month or so.  She was a mess of pain.  It seemed that every weekly appointment brought an increase in her pain medications as she was suffering so much.

     Finally she was on the right mix of medicines, radiation, and chemo that she was no longer in constant pain.  The most amazing part is that this little 105 lb woman had NO sense of grogginess or "high" or anything from the heavy pain meds.  She was able to move into my houses detached casita (spare room thing).

     It seemed like about every month there was a problem that needed to be addressed with the medications getting mixed up or side effects or not eating when supposed to and throwing the meds off.  So I would need to take on the nightly responsibility for a little while of waking, feeding, medicating, etc....to right the ship.

     Every 6 or 12 week check up we had showed the cancer was spreading.  But we kept going with treatment hoping for a change.

     On April 22, she had a chemo treatment and came home unusually tired (they often would energize her and make her feel quite good).  The next day she was very clearly disoriented.  Even she knew it.  We brought her to the hospital and found out Friday night that her cancer had spread to a kidney and that the other one got overwhelmed filtering the chemo and they both shut down.  We were told that the 2 year prognosis had just dropped to basically 2 days.

    I stayed the night in the hospital after finding out that she fell out of the bed.  Turns out that kidney failure kept the pain meds and chemo drugs accumulated in her system and caused her to hallucinate, slip in and out of lucidity, and lose her coordination.  Through the night and next day I would hear her hallucinating, trying to get out of bed, and have conversations with people that weren't there.

     Then out of the blue....she would call out for me....look right in my eyes....and tell me she loved me, tell me I was a good son.  And then just as quickly slip right back into confusion or sleep.

     We took her home Sunday and hospice was ordered.  There was no way she was swallowing pills at this point and so I was using the dropper to give her the meds.  In a repeat back to the beginning, the medication dosage was WAY too low and she was agitated all through the day and night.  We didn't have a hospital bed and so she was back on the pull out sofa with me sleeping next to her.  I figured out a system of tying a belt from a robe to her waist and the other end to my arm.  Everytime the meds started to wear off or for whatever reason, she would spring upright and try to get up.  Which with her lack of coordination and lucidity meant that she was going to face plant on the floor.  So the robe would pull on me and I'd grab her and try to calm her down.

     We got a hospital bed Monday and after numerous medication increases and home visits the hospice folks decided that on Tuesday morning they would station a nurse with us for the whole day to try to get things under control.  Which they finally did and my mom was at long last resting peacefully.  Those nights I slept next to her on the sofa and still had the robe trick going just in case and woke regularly to give her the droppers of meds.

     On Wednesday morning I went to wake the kids for school at 7 and noticed my mom stirring.  I called in Kathy and we sadly watched as she had her final moments and died.  It was finally over.

The blessings:

     My mom was able to spend the last 6 and a half months of her life with my family.  We spent more time together than we had since I was in high school.

     We had deep conversations about our love for one another, our forgiveness of each other, and the wonderful treat it was for her to watch her grandkids live life over those months.

     My kids were able to hear sweet (and many not so sweet) stories of who I was and who I am in my mother's eyes.  It allowed me to open up honest conversation with them about my life, my shortcomings, and my efforts to overcome things in my life.  I hope and believe that it will allow them to see me as human, fallible, and redeemable when they are struggling in the world.

     I had a renewed relationship with her that allowed me to spend more time with her in those 6 1/2 months than I likely would have had she lived another 15 years in AZ.

     I had the opportunity to love and forgive and move past any let downs I might have had in the past with her.  This is a beautiful thing.

     I love her and miss her and feel lucky that I had the chance to be there for her.

5 things my kids need to know so they don't mess up their lives

     I have a 15 year old boy starting high school.  To make matters worse, a friend of mine said, "He's the most good looking kid I've ever seen."  Then my wife told me last week, "I think we're about to embark on a wild ride."

     I wish that I could do some things over in my life but even more I wish that my kids would take my advice on a few things.

1. Sex.

     Do NOT get going down this road before you are in a committed relationship AND are prepared (not necessarily ready, but prepared) to have a child.  Having a baby is a game changer.  MTV may make TV shows about teen moms and dads, but it is not worth the risk.

     Aside from pregnancy, all it takes is the wrong sexually transmitted disease and it can stick with you for your whole life.

     Condoms break all the time.  And there is no warning bell to tell you until its too late.  Just wait till you're older.  Please.

2. Alcohol or Drugs.

     There's a difference between having a drink and drinking to get drunk.  Sadly many kids drink to get drunk.  Or do drugs to get high.

     Bad things can happen when you lower your inhibitions.  Things you would love to do normally but your self-control allows you to make the right choices all the sudden become easier to do when drugs or alcohol are involved.

     Unfortunately, the "everyone is doing it" argument is sadly sort of true.  A large percentage of kids these days experiment.  But there are plenty who don't.  Guess what?  You won't regret waiting till you are older to experiment with having a drink.  And drugs are illegal for a reason.

     Every week there is another story about some unknown substance that caused a problem or death in a child who tried a drug.  You really cannot tell what is in the stuff that's out there.  Many times it is very dangerous.  On top of this, you can never tell how your body is going to react to things.

3. Fighting.

     Fighting rarely if ever solves problems.  I know emotions run high but aside from the dangers of fighting (weapons can get involved, injury/death, arrests, etc...) there is a strength MUCH greater than showing aggression, it is self-control.  It is a much greater display or power to hold back from fighting than to do it.

     Fighting often leads to more fighting.  Be the bigger person and let it go.
   
4. Risk taking.

     This encompasses a lot.  From physically dangerous things to the 3 things above.  Learn to override that voice that says, "It's fine, nothing will happen to me".  And weigh the risks.  (What if....)  As a parent we worry so much about you doing things that will "probably" be okay, but might go catastrophically wrong if one little unforseen thing happens.  

     The world can be a fun place without being so dangerous.

5. Realize that your friends will never love and care for you like your family.  Remember that when deciding who to listen to.


     In the story of Adam and Eve, God was the perfect parent and they STILL made a huge wrong choice in the garden.  We are far from perfect parents and so we can't expect you to be perfect either.  When you make mistakes, we will figure it out.  When you fall down, we'll try to help you up.  We've been there, made the mistakes and hope we can save you the trouble.

What I believe

         My daughter started asking me questions about God, heaven, evolution, etc....when my mother was dying last month.  What I believe now is a bit different than what I once believed.  I am going to write some of it down for me, her, and my other kids.  I hope that my kids can take what I put forth and then engage in their own journey and find what they believe.

     Let's start with this idea: I feel like I don't know anything for sure.  If you want argue with me, don't.  My favorite thing to say is, "You might be right".  I think that faith is the absence of knowing anything for sure.  If you "know" then you don't need faith.


     Is there a God?
I believe that there is a God that created all things.  The big bang may well have happened.  I go back to the question of "what was before the big bang"?  The universe arose out of nothing sounds an awful lot like a supernatural thing to me.  So if I imagine that time and space are something that God is not bound by, then he has always existed, even before the universe.

     How did the universe come to be?
God's creating all things may very well have been through an evolutionary mechanism, or it may have been through a creation mechanism, but more than likely a bit of both.  The account in the bible about creation would seem to be a bit of a simplistic explanation to a guy (Moses) who wouldn't have stood a chance at understanding the way it really happened.  I've told my daughter that God explaining to Moses the way he created things was a lot like what I used to tell her about where babies came from when she was 3.  There was no way I could tell her the actual way it happened, it would've been impossible for her to fathom.  If I stuck to my guns today on that story I told her as a 3 year old, she might think I was a nut job.  Do I think that the universe was created in 6 days?  No, probably not.  Does the fact that it is described like that in the bible bother me?  No.  Seems a reasonable way to discuss it with someone who doesn't have a clue.

     How do you know the bible is accurate and wasn't re-written?
I think that we've seen some fantastic information come out of the dead sea scrolls from the 1940's and 50's showing that things didn't change from the 2nd century BC through the version we have in the 9th century AD and now in regards to the old testament.  Then there is minimal debate on the new testaments historical preservation.  That said, there still is an issue with how to interpret what you are reading.

     What in the bible is literal, figurative, true, false, whatever?
I believe that there are some Old Testament accounts that explain things in simple terms that are metaphorical or symbolic for simplicity sake.  Things that would generally be true in principal but not necessarily in detail.

     I see the 1st 5 books of the bible as a constitution for the new Hebrew nation.  A manual on how to run a culture/nation that was issued to people who had been slaves in Egypt for generations and had no idea how to live free.  This would be a rule book for this new society to preserve them together and teach them what is in their best interests.  Is it applicable to us today?  Some yes, some no.  Honor your mother and father, sure.  Stone your disobedient children, probably not......  This would be a case of applicable then, not now.  Kept the rules in place and the society from acting up now didn't it?  But is stoning our kids for today?  No.

     New testament.  1st and foremost I have one authority here, Jesus.  What did he say, what did he do.  What he said and did is as applicable and true today as it was then.  It boils down to loving one another, period.  Measure everything else in the new testament (or entire bible for that matter) in light of the words of Jesus.

     Why the new testament?  Why Jesus?
I believe that there was a need for God's true nature to be revealed.  People were misunderstanding who he really was and what he wanted of us.  Even now a lot of folks think there is a disparity between God of the old testament and Jesus in the new.  Things just didn't come across completely accurate when the writers of the old testament put their pens down.  So measure everything in the old testament against the nature of Jesus and if it doesn't fit, something was maybe misunderstood or we might be dealing with a piece that needs to be acknowledged as not understandable or applicable at present.

     Why did Jesus get sent?  1. This is what God is really like and 2. He gave the new commandment of loving one another as a measure of if we are followers of God.

     What is sin?  What about homosexuality?
I've recently heard a good description of sin as anything that undermines love.  Is eating shrimp a sin?  Come on now, stop it!

     So how does a monogamous homosexual relationship fall into this?  I don't really know.  I know its not normal biologically.  But I also know that homosexuals can fulfill the criteria of following Jesus too.  So how can I condemn them?  How is promiscuous heterosexuality and homosexuality different?  Maybe in context homosexuality in biblical times wasn't ever conventionally monogamous like it often is now.  I don't know.  I just know that if I'm to love my neighbor...then its not my job to worry about it.

     What is heaven?  Who goes to heaven?  
I think that heaven is being in God's presence after we die.  I don't know what that's going to be like or how that works, but I think it will be great.  On the flip side, I think that if you do not go to heaven it means that you will be without God after you die.  And that will be lonely, sad and not great.

     So who goes to heaven....  I think that it is going to be a situation that comes back to what Jesus said will denote if you are his follower, your love for one another.  I also think that it is up to God alone and we would be surprised at who is and who is not going.

     The thief on the cross is a story that makes you think that if you just figure it out before you die, you're all set.  I can't help believe that it has a lot more to do with the transformation in your heart and less about your words.  And so deathbed conversions.....I just don't know.

     What about people who are other religions?
Are Christians the exclusive holders of the ability to love?  Can you deny Jesus with your words but follow him by your life?  What happens then?  Ghandi was a Hindu, a pretty loving one.  I think we also know of plenty of examples of people denying him with their life but accepting him with words.

     Ultimately I believe that Jesus truly is the only way to the father and to heaven, but I think that has little to do with where you go to church, how much you pray, and what you call yourself.  It comes back to your love for one another.

Do people change?

     I recently had lunch with a friend who said, "How's your neighbor?"  And my reply was, "I can't stand that guy".

     But in reality, I haven't spoken to him a quite a while.  Even now, typing this, I'm brought back to the whole reason why I'm not a fan of this particular neighbor.  It riles me up and makes me want to write the whole story.....but I won't.

     So at the end of the day, how many people get asked at lunch, "Have you seen Travis lately?" and reply, "That asshole?".  Because as many of you know, I could ruffle some feathers back in the day (like my 1st 40 years).

     And it got me thinking, Do you just write folks off based on your past interactions?  Do you go back over and over expecting they will at some point mature and grow and be different?

     I have a handful of relationships that are no more.  Some because I was a jerk, others because they were jerks.  But before the fallout, some of the relationships were quite meaningful at some point.  On one hand I wonder "if they knew me now" would things be different or I think "are they still the way they used to be" and would we click now like we once did....

     So at the end of the day, I suppose it boils down to forgiveness and grace and the understanding that people can change (I did).  And also understanding that some folks aren't good forgivers and painful memories may sometimes be too great to overcome.

      But I for sure miss some folks from my past whether it was them or me that cut the other out.  Is life too short to hold on to offenses or is it too short to hang out with people who've hurt you?  I have no idea.....

What is a soul mate really.....

   The concept of a soul mate is pretty interesting.  Apparently the term comes from some myth about the gods splitting the original humans in half and each human then longed for their "other half".

     A few months ago there was an interesting video on the subject that said that people with the belief in a soul mate had more problems in their relationships than those who weren't invested in that ideology.  Makes sense.  I guess their always looking for the bigger better deal.

     In my opinion, a soul mate would be able to meet your needs in a wide range of areas:  sexually, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically, morally, socially, politically, and etc.... Is that too much to ask from one person?  I mean really.


     The saying opposites attract is often very true.  Are they soul mates???

     And look at arranged marriage cultures.  In Amish, Hindu, and Orthodox Jews the divorce rate is 1,3,and 7%.  Are they picking soul mates?  Just because they stay together though doesn't mean they're happy either...but I'd bet plenty are.

    So a few months ago I made the hypothetical example to a friend that I had everything going well with my marriage, my wife and I were on the same page with everything except religion/spirituality.  Then I said, "if you and your wife had the same issue, would you mind if I met with your wife once a month to go over a bible study or go to church?"  And he said that he would be fine with that.  I said, "are you sure?  You wouldn't feel threatened or upset that you were not fulfilling her in that area, that you two weren't on the same page?".  He said, "no I'd think it was cool".

     So for fun I shifted it to sex.  What if everything was going great except there were some sexual things that just didn't line up perfectly but all in all it was mostly good and the same applied to you and your marriage.  Would it be okay if I met up with your wife once a month in that area??  He said, "no of course not....".

     So it was all a funny hypothetical, but at what point does not being enough in ALL areas of compatibility become an issue.  At what point do you say that you "deserve" to be fulfilled in all the areas of your relationship?  If you believe in a soul mate, then you probably think you are "settling" in a relationship if EVERYTHING isn't lined up and meeting your needs.

     I am married to my best friend.  Don't tell me something you don't want her to know.  And vice versa.  BUT, we also have a lot of areas that we differ in.  We have areas that I think she goes too far and she thinks I don't go far enough.  We have our share of arguments and disagreements about things.

     Is there anyone out there that may be more compatible for either of us?  Maybe.  I guess I don't really think about that because I'm happy.  I suppose that I've learned that since there are no perfect people, that would mean that there are no perfect relationships either.  And so in the end maybe it comes down to this: soul mates accept each other.

     I accept her and she accepts me.  I "know" her and she "knows" me.  And she and I STILL accept each other.  I think that maybe that may be my definition of a soul mate.

     Someone who knows you really and accepts you.

My 12 y/o daughter's crisis...

     The other night as a celebration for return to school, we took the kids to Big Spoon yogurt.  It's a place you go and serve yourself with frozen yogurt and then toppings and you weigh your dish and pay by the ounce.

     My beautiful daughter is 12 years old and 5'7".  She's basically a little girl in a woman's body.  Here she is in with me last month: (click the pic to get a good look)

     

     Anyway.  So she gets her frozen yogurt and fills it to the TOP.  Then adds toppings!  The boys ended up filling theirs half full and adding toppings.  I was sure that hers probably outweighed both of theirs combined and I thought it would be funny to call her out.  Sure enough...hers did out weigh both of theirs!

     So we sit down and I start singing a funny (to me) song about getting diabetes, meanwhile Kathy starts telling her that the amount of yogurt she has is ridiculous and way too much.

     We get home later and I can see something is wrong.  Soon enough it comes out that Lauren feels bad about herself because of us teasing and talking to her about going overboard on dessert.  There is talk of someone in 4th grade (3 yrs ago) saying her thighs were fat??  And just craaaazy tears from her about feeling ashamed and not good enough.

WHAT THE HELL?  My kid?  Really?  My beautiful, confident, kid who EVERYONE loves and says is just so wonderful and great?  My kid who is super thoughtful, mature, etc....?  My kid has these issues???

     It was a reminder that we all do.  We ALL struggle with feelings that tell us at times we aren't good enough, that we are disappointing people, etc...

     It was a reminder that my jokes (while funny to me) can push the raw spot inside of a person close to me.  While my message of concern can sometimes come through as condemnation if I'm not careful to be sensitive to the wounds that are there.  

     It turned out to be a blessing.  It allowed me to see that even the most beautiful, confident, together ones in your life still need your reassurance and your sensitivity.  Until the next crisis....!