What is a soul mate really.....

   The concept of a soul mate is pretty interesting.  Apparently the term comes from some myth about the gods splitting the original humans in half and each human then longed for their "other half".

     A few months ago there was an interesting video on the subject that said that people with the belief in a soul mate had more problems in their relationships than those who weren't invested in that ideology.  Makes sense.  I guess their always looking for the bigger better deal.

     In my opinion, a soul mate would be able to meet your needs in a wide range of areas:  sexually, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, physically, morally, socially, politically, and etc.... Is that too much to ask from one person?  I mean really.


     The saying opposites attract is often very true.  Are they soul mates???

     And look at arranged marriage cultures.  In Amish, Hindu, and Orthodox Jews the divorce rate is 1,3,and 7%.  Are they picking soul mates?  Just because they stay together though doesn't mean they're happy either...but I'd bet plenty are.

    So a few months ago I made the hypothetical example to a friend that I had everything going well with my marriage, my wife and I were on the same page with everything except religion/spirituality.  Then I said, "if you and your wife had the same issue, would you mind if I met with your wife once a month to go over a bible study or go to church?"  And he said that he would be fine with that.  I said, "are you sure?  You wouldn't feel threatened or upset that you were not fulfilling her in that area, that you two weren't on the same page?".  He said, "no I'd think it was cool".

     So for fun I shifted it to sex.  What if everything was going great except there were some sexual things that just didn't line up perfectly but all in all it was mostly good and the same applied to you and your marriage.  Would it be okay if I met up with your wife once a month in that area??  He said, "no of course not....".

     So it was all a funny hypothetical, but at what point does not being enough in ALL areas of compatibility become an issue.  At what point do you say that you "deserve" to be fulfilled in all the areas of your relationship?  If you believe in a soul mate, then you probably think you are "settling" in a relationship if EVERYTHING isn't lined up and meeting your needs.

     I am married to my best friend.  Don't tell me something you don't want her to know.  And vice versa.  BUT, we also have a lot of areas that we differ in.  We have areas that I think she goes too far and she thinks I don't go far enough.  We have our share of arguments and disagreements about things.

     Is there anyone out there that may be more compatible for either of us?  Maybe.  I guess I don't really think about that because I'm happy.  I suppose that I've learned that since there are no perfect people, that would mean that there are no perfect relationships either.  And so in the end maybe it comes down to this: soul mates accept each other.

     I accept her and she accepts me.  I "know" her and she "knows" me.  And she and I STILL accept each other.  I think that maybe that may be my definition of a soul mate.

     Someone who knows you really and accepts you.

My 12 y/o daughter's crisis...

     The other night as a celebration for return to school, we took the kids to Big Spoon yogurt.  It's a place you go and serve yourself with frozen yogurt and then toppings and you weigh your dish and pay by the ounce.

     My beautiful daughter is 12 years old and 5'7".  She's basically a little girl in a woman's body.  Here she is in with me last month: (click the pic to get a good look)

     

     Anyway.  So she gets her frozen yogurt and fills it to the TOP.  Then adds toppings!  The boys ended up filling theirs half full and adding toppings.  I was sure that hers probably outweighed both of theirs combined and I thought it would be funny to call her out.  Sure enough...hers did out weigh both of theirs!

     So we sit down and I start singing a funny (to me) song about getting diabetes, meanwhile Kathy starts telling her that the amount of yogurt she has is ridiculous and way too much.

     We get home later and I can see something is wrong.  Soon enough it comes out that Lauren feels bad about herself because of us teasing and talking to her about going overboard on dessert.  There is talk of someone in 4th grade (3 yrs ago) saying her thighs were fat??  And just craaaazy tears from her about feeling ashamed and not good enough.

WHAT THE HELL?  My kid?  Really?  My beautiful, confident, kid who EVERYONE loves and says is just so wonderful and great?  My kid who is super thoughtful, mature, etc....?  My kid has these issues???

     It was a reminder that we all do.  We ALL struggle with feelings that tell us at times we aren't good enough, that we are disappointing people, etc...

     It was a reminder that my jokes (while funny to me) can push the raw spot inside of a person close to me.  While my message of concern can sometimes come through as condemnation if I'm not careful to be sensitive to the wounds that are there.  

     It turned out to be a blessing.  It allowed me to see that even the most beautiful, confident, together ones in your life still need your reassurance and your sensitivity.  Until the next crisis....!

Wasted potential....

     Society hates very few things more than wasted potential.  And you see it so often.  If we are honest with ourselves, we usually can see where we have a lot of wasted potential of our own.  "If I only would've done more/better...." is a refrain that is echoed in our heads so often.  That's why doing our best at things brings out a sort of euphoria.  But let's be honest, its easy to make this into a self-defeating effort if we aren't careful.

     So the balancing act becomes a war between, "I'm good enough and am happy with my effort" and "I could've done better".  Between slacker and over-achiever?  We're back to needing a middle ground again and getting away from the dysfunction of all or nothing, black or white.

     What about in others though?  We watch people that could be so much better and it often makes us mad.  Why is that?  What is it about seeing squandered potential that we make our business?  We do it with our kids in sports or schoolwork...."Keep your eye on the ball next time...or, You should've studied harder and you'd have gotten an A".  We do it in the gym, "If he would just work more on his mobility or strength, he'd be so much better".  So the message becomes a balance between "You are good enough" and "You are not good enough".  This cuts to the core of the wounds we come into adulthood with.

     What's the alternative?  Celebrating the average performance?  Yes! (sort of).  People should be celebrated for just showing up.  Should we tell our kids their strikeouts are just as cool as their hits?  I think that depends on what "they" think.  Do they put a premium on it?  Then we empathize with their feelings and not interject our own.

     My oldest son just wants to do enough in school to pass.  My daughter wants all A's.  They set their own standards and I support them.  He brings home a C and is happy about it, "good job, you passed".  She brings home a B and is upset about it, "Keep trying sweetie, maybe next time you set aside more study time....".  But ultimately (if you aren't careful) potential becomes a judgment in good enough or not good enough.  It really should be an endorsement of the person's feelings about things through support that says, "Whatever you want out of life, I'm right here for you, standing behind you, supporting you.  You are good enough."