The blessings of my mothers last days

     I haven't really discussed this much since it occurred.  My mother passed away at the end of April 2015.

     First a backstory: 

     I had a very chaotic childhood, is probably the best way to put it.  My father was never part of the picture after the age of 3.  Prior to that, he wasn't "really" part of the picture because he was incarcerated most of the time.  By the time I was 8 he had died in prison.

     My mom married a guy when I was about 7 or 8 I'd guess.  He was my mom's husband and I literally do not remember him trying to parent me ONCE.  We lived together is how I recall it.  These two had a lifestyle of lots of partying is all I will say.

     After high school graduation, I went in the Air Force and moved to California.  After high school, I saw my mother a few times a year or less.  Once I had children I tried to see her a little more but she never lived too close (AZ or FL).

     My mom and my step dad split shortly after I left and she went on to marry a man that was battling addiction.  That lasted a handful of years and they split and he succumbed to his illness.  She then married another man, with a similar story, battling addiction.  He went on to die from this as well.

     I say all this to say that a parent can love you more than the world itself and still be so terrorized by their own demons and choices that the legacy they leave you is love PLUS a heavy dose of let down and disappointment.

     Now the actual story:

     In September of 2014 my mother was living alone in AZ and was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer with metastases to the bone.  At one point she told me that she felt suicidal due to the pain.  I immediately knew that I needed her to move to CA to live with me so that I could help her battle this disease.

     In October we were told the average was 2 years based on her diagnosis.  She lived in my living room on a pull out sofa for the first month or so.  She was a mess of pain.  It seemed that every weekly appointment brought an increase in her pain medications as she was suffering so much.

     Finally she was on the right mix of medicines, radiation, and chemo that she was no longer in constant pain.  The most amazing part is that this little 105 lb woman had NO sense of grogginess or "high" or anything from the heavy pain meds.  She was able to move into my houses detached casita (spare room thing).

     It seemed like about every month there was a problem that needed to be addressed with the medications getting mixed up or side effects or not eating when supposed to and throwing the meds off.  So I would need to take on the nightly responsibility for a little while of waking, feeding, medicating, etc....to right the ship.

     Every 6 or 12 week check up we had showed the cancer was spreading.  But we kept going with treatment hoping for a change.

     On April 22, she had a chemo treatment and came home unusually tired (they often would energize her and make her feel quite good).  The next day she was very clearly disoriented.  Even she knew it.  We brought her to the hospital and found out Friday night that her cancer had spread to a kidney and that the other one got overwhelmed filtering the chemo and they both shut down.  We were told that the 2 year prognosis had just dropped to basically 2 days.

    I stayed the night in the hospital after finding out that she fell out of the bed.  Turns out that kidney failure kept the pain meds and chemo drugs accumulated in her system and caused her to hallucinate, slip in and out of lucidity, and lose her coordination.  Through the night and next day I would hear her hallucinating, trying to get out of bed, and have conversations with people that weren't there.

     Then out of the blue....she would call out for me....look right in my eyes....and tell me she loved me, tell me I was a good son.  And then just as quickly slip right back into confusion or sleep.

     We took her home Sunday and hospice was ordered.  There was no way she was swallowing pills at this point and so I was using the dropper to give her the meds.  In a repeat back to the beginning, the medication dosage was WAY too low and she was agitated all through the day and night.  We didn't have a hospital bed and so she was back on the pull out sofa with me sleeping next to her.  I figured out a system of tying a belt from a robe to her waist and the other end to my arm.  Everytime the meds started to wear off or for whatever reason, she would spring upright and try to get up.  Which with her lack of coordination and lucidity meant that she was going to face plant on the floor.  So the robe would pull on me and I'd grab her and try to calm her down.

     We got a hospital bed Monday and after numerous medication increases and home visits the hospice folks decided that on Tuesday morning they would station a nurse with us for the whole day to try to get things under control.  Which they finally did and my mom was at long last resting peacefully.  Those nights I slept next to her on the sofa and still had the robe trick going just in case and woke regularly to give her the droppers of meds.

     On Wednesday morning I went to wake the kids for school at 7 and noticed my mom stirring.  I called in Kathy and we sadly watched as she had her final moments and died.  It was finally over.

The blessings:

     My mom was able to spend the last 6 and a half months of her life with my family.  We spent more time together than we had since I was in high school.

     We had deep conversations about our love for one another, our forgiveness of each other, and the wonderful treat it was for her to watch her grandkids live life over those months.

     My kids were able to hear sweet (and many not so sweet) stories of who I was and who I am in my mother's eyes.  It allowed me to open up honest conversation with them about my life, my shortcomings, and my efforts to overcome things in my life.  I hope and believe that it will allow them to see me as human, fallible, and redeemable when they are struggling in the world.

     I had a renewed relationship with her that allowed me to spend more time with her in those 6 1/2 months than I likely would have had she lived another 15 years in AZ.

     I had the opportunity to love and forgive and move past any let downs I might have had in the past with her.  This is a beautiful thing.

     I love her and miss her and feel lucky that I had the chance to be there for her.

My 12 y/o daughter's crisis...

     The other night as a celebration for return to school, we took the kids to Big Spoon yogurt.  It's a place you go and serve yourself with frozen yogurt and then toppings and you weigh your dish and pay by the ounce.

     My beautiful daughter is 12 years old and 5'7".  She's basically a little girl in a woman's body.  Here she is in with me last month: (click the pic to get a good look)

     

     Anyway.  So she gets her frozen yogurt and fills it to the TOP.  Then adds toppings!  The boys ended up filling theirs half full and adding toppings.  I was sure that hers probably outweighed both of theirs combined and I thought it would be funny to call her out.  Sure enough...hers did out weigh both of theirs!

     So we sit down and I start singing a funny (to me) song about getting diabetes, meanwhile Kathy starts telling her that the amount of yogurt she has is ridiculous and way too much.

     We get home later and I can see something is wrong.  Soon enough it comes out that Lauren feels bad about herself because of us teasing and talking to her about going overboard on dessert.  There is talk of someone in 4th grade (3 yrs ago) saying her thighs were fat??  And just craaaazy tears from her about feeling ashamed and not good enough.

WHAT THE HELL?  My kid?  Really?  My beautiful, confident, kid who EVERYONE loves and says is just so wonderful and great?  My kid who is super thoughtful, mature, etc....?  My kid has these issues???

     It was a reminder that we all do.  We ALL struggle with feelings that tell us at times we aren't good enough, that we are disappointing people, etc...

     It was a reminder that my jokes (while funny to me) can push the raw spot inside of a person close to me.  While my message of concern can sometimes come through as condemnation if I'm not careful to be sensitive to the wounds that are there.  

     It turned out to be a blessing.  It allowed me to see that even the most beautiful, confident, together ones in your life still need your reassurance and your sensitivity.  Until the next crisis....!

Taking the pressures off of parenting.....

     Blog summary: If God (the perfect parent) couldn't parent Adam and Eve well enough to keep them from bringing sin onto the entire world....how can you put the pressure on yourself to be a "good enough" parent??

     If you want to hear more, keep reading, but that sums it up.

     Ok, so I have a philosophy in parenting that not everyone shares...but seriously think about it.  God was the parent to Adam and Eve, he wasn't overbearing, permissive, or laying guilt trips, he was/is perfect.  So that being said, his kids still went their own way, made bad choices, and let him down.

     He had a contingency plan though (as we all should) for if they made the wrong choices.  It revolved around consequence yes, but with a lot of love and connection too.

     If our kids turn out great, try not to pat yourself on the back too much, just count yourself fortunate.  If they turn out as rotten degenerates try not to beat yourself up to much, they have freedom of choice.

     And speaking of that.....

The ultimate expression of love of someone, is their freedom.  God didn't put the forbidden tree in the back of the garden under lock and key.  It was in the MIDDLE of the garden.  Hello???

     They had freedom, they weren't living a sheltered life.  The tree was in their faces.  Do you reallllllllly think you can control your kids into being good and making the right choices????

     Do your best, hit the pillow at night knowing that you are as imperfect as they are and that you love them and are trying your best.  Life is meant to be lived, not controlled.

Wasted potential....

     Society hates very few things more than wasted potential.  And you see it so often.  If we are honest with ourselves, we usually can see where we have a lot of wasted potential of our own.  "If I only would've done more/better...." is a refrain that is echoed in our heads so often.  That's why doing our best at things brings out a sort of euphoria.  But let's be honest, its easy to make this into a self-defeating effort if we aren't careful.

     So the balancing act becomes a war between, "I'm good enough and am happy with my effort" and "I could've done better".  Between slacker and over-achiever?  We're back to needing a middle ground again and getting away from the dysfunction of all or nothing, black or white.

     What about in others though?  We watch people that could be so much better and it often makes us mad.  Why is that?  What is it about seeing squandered potential that we make our business?  We do it with our kids in sports or schoolwork...."Keep your eye on the ball next time...or, You should've studied harder and you'd have gotten an A".  We do it in the gym, "If he would just work more on his mobility or strength, he'd be so much better".  So the message becomes a balance between "You are good enough" and "You are not good enough".  This cuts to the core of the wounds we come into adulthood with.

     What's the alternative?  Celebrating the average performance?  Yes! (sort of).  People should be celebrated for just showing up.  Should we tell our kids their strikeouts are just as cool as their hits?  I think that depends on what "they" think.  Do they put a premium on it?  Then we empathize with their feelings and not interject our own.

     My oldest son just wants to do enough in school to pass.  My daughter wants all A's.  They set their own standards and I support them.  He brings home a C and is happy about it, "good job, you passed".  She brings home a B and is upset about it, "Keep trying sweetie, maybe next time you set aside more study time....".  But ultimately (if you aren't careful) potential becomes a judgment in good enough or not good enough.  It really should be an endorsement of the person's feelings about things through support that says, "Whatever you want out of life, I'm right here for you, standing behind you, supporting you.  You are good enough."