Good luck, bad luck....what's the difference

One of my favorite lessons, stories, what have you, is the farmer and is it good luck or bad luck...

"There is a Chinese story of a farmer who used an old horse to till his fields. One day, the horse escaped into the hills and when the farmer's neighbors sympathized with the old man over his bad luck, the farmer replied, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?" A week later, the horse returned with a herd of horses from the hills and this time the neighbors congratulated the farmer on his good luck. His reply was, "Good luck? Bad luck? Who knows?"

Then, when the farmer's son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, "Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?"

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer's son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck?

Who knows?"

     This story means more and more to me as I get older.  I've tried to stop investing in my own outcome and realizing that "you just never know" how things are going to ultimately turn out.

     I think the most compelling proof of this is losing my job at 24 and getting separated from my wife at 40.  Both felt like the end of the world but created wonderful things in my life years later.

     Good luck, bad luck?  Who knows....

Making friends with the worst outcome

12 years ago my then 2 y/o son had a cerebellar brain deformation "accidentally discovered" that is not usually discovered until the person is in adulthood and has problems from it, 3-4 years ago my wife and I separated for 7 months, 2 months ago a friend of mine had a traumatic brain injury and is fighting to recovery speech, movement, and a his normal life.  The list goes on and on in life for all of us.  Things that either are going wrong or might.  Things that worry us to no end.

     While it is HARD to do, it is imperative that we make friends with the worst outcome in things.  That's not saying that we give up and don't fight for the outcome we want.  But we must understand going into the fight that indeed we do not have the ultimate control over things.

     My friend may never be independent again, my son may wake up on his 21st birthday with a headache and motor loss that won't go away, my wife and I may not make it to our next anniversary (We're actually doing GREAT so relax).  The thought of all 3 of those things bothers me.....but I accept them as a possible reality.  I have taken them to their final worst outcome in my head.

What do I do then....?

     #1  Try to live each day knowing that its a gift that my buddy is still alive, that its a gift that Noah is healthy, that its a gift that I have the privilege to be married to my best friend.  These are the things that need to influence how I take on each day.

     #2 Try to understand that if the day(s) come that I am faced with the worst outcomes....I need to have already met them and accepted them and try to move forward at that moment.  I need to cherish the moments and recovery that my friend does have, I need to deal with the problems Noah may have at that time, I would need to be respectful of the woman who gave me nearly all of the happiness in my life and 3 beautiful children.   I can be sad, but I can't stop living because the worst outcome came to be.

What do I want?  

     My friend to recover completely, Noah to never have symptoms from his Chiari, Kathy and I to celebrate our 50th anniversary.  What am I going to get?  I have no idea.  But I've made friends with the worst outcomes I may get.


     I leave it with a quote from Tom Hanks character in Castaway:

 "And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day, my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back in Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I got to keep breathing. Because tomorrow, the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

Do people change?

     I recently had lunch with a friend who said, "How's your neighbor?"  And my reply was, "I can't stand that guy".

     But in reality, I haven't spoken to him a quite a while.  Even now, typing this, I'm brought back to the whole reason why I'm not a fan of this particular neighbor.  It riles me up and makes me want to write the whole story.....but I won't.

     So at the end of the day, how many people get asked at lunch, "Have you seen Travis lately?" and reply, "That asshole?".  Because as many of you know, I could ruffle some feathers back in the day (like my 1st 40 years).

     And it got me thinking, Do you just write folks off based on your past interactions?  Do you go back over and over expecting they will at some point mature and grow and be different?

     I have a handful of relationships that are no more.  Some because I was a jerk, others because they were jerks.  But before the fallout, some of the relationships were quite meaningful at some point.  On one hand I wonder "if they knew me now" would things be different or I think "are they still the way they used to be" and would we click now like we once did....

     So at the end of the day, I suppose it boils down to forgiveness and grace and the understanding that people can change (I did).  And also understanding that some folks aren't good forgivers and painful memories may sometimes be too great to overcome.

      But I for sure miss some folks from my past whether it was them or me that cut the other out.  Is life too short to hold on to offenses or is it too short to hang out with people who've hurt you?  I have no idea.....

My 12 y/o daughter's crisis...

     The other night as a celebration for return to school, we took the kids to Big Spoon yogurt.  It's a place you go and serve yourself with frozen yogurt and then toppings and you weigh your dish and pay by the ounce.

     My beautiful daughter is 12 years old and 5'7".  She's basically a little girl in a woman's body.  Here she is in with me last month: (click the pic to get a good look)

     

     Anyway.  So she gets her frozen yogurt and fills it to the TOP.  Then adds toppings!  The boys ended up filling theirs half full and adding toppings.  I was sure that hers probably outweighed both of theirs combined and I thought it would be funny to call her out.  Sure enough...hers did out weigh both of theirs!

     So we sit down and I start singing a funny (to me) song about getting diabetes, meanwhile Kathy starts telling her that the amount of yogurt she has is ridiculous and way too much.

     We get home later and I can see something is wrong.  Soon enough it comes out that Lauren feels bad about herself because of us teasing and talking to her about going overboard on dessert.  There is talk of someone in 4th grade (3 yrs ago) saying her thighs were fat??  And just craaaazy tears from her about feeling ashamed and not good enough.

WHAT THE HELL?  My kid?  Really?  My beautiful, confident, kid who EVERYONE loves and says is just so wonderful and great?  My kid who is super thoughtful, mature, etc....?  My kid has these issues???

     It was a reminder that we all do.  We ALL struggle with feelings that tell us at times we aren't good enough, that we are disappointing people, etc...

     It was a reminder that my jokes (while funny to me) can push the raw spot inside of a person close to me.  While my message of concern can sometimes come through as condemnation if I'm not careful to be sensitive to the wounds that are there.  

     It turned out to be a blessing.  It allowed me to see that even the most beautiful, confident, together ones in your life still need your reassurance and your sensitivity.  Until the next crisis....!

Michael Sam....You're so gay....

     I don't follow sports.  I do however hear about things like the Michael Sam kiss thing.  So I guess he was a projected 3rd round pick and then came out as gay and was taken in the 7th (last) round?  And if there is any "guy's sport" its football.

     100 years ago, a picture on the internet :) of a woman in short pants would've caused a stir.  50 years ago a picture of an inter racial couple kissing would've caused an uproar.  Those things seem kind of benign now (except to Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy maybe).

     So where are we going to be in the future about a couple of gay men kissing on the interwebs??

     I was told, "yes but God doesn't talk about mixed races in the bible and he does talk against homosexuality"...  (Moses was married to Zipporah, an Ethiopian).  But the bible does talk harshly about fornicators (unmarried folks getting busy....) in the exact same light as homosexuality.  So in that vain, wouldn't the "bible" be against unmarried college players "putting it out there" on draft day with a sloppy kiss on their girlfriends?  How far do we want to take our selective outrage or shock or disgust on things???

     In the end, I think that I'm of a "generation" that is probably a little shocked when I see a couple dudes kissing, but that is more visceral.  It's in the same way I am shocked when I see a kid walk up with 4-5 piercings in their face.  I think maturity allows you to see things beyond the visceral reaction and use your logic (and love).  Too often we search for support for our emotional/gut reactions rather than slowing things down to think objectively.

     I wish Michael Sam the best.  He's gay.  I don't think that's the way life is "supposed" to be.  You often hear homosexuals comment they wish they weren't as it would make life so much easier.  But really I think that any uproar is fear based.  Do we think that if we don't act outraged are we condoning the behavior?  If we think it through, is this a worse "sin" than others???

     I'm not outraged.  In fact, I don't really think about it at all beyond this blog.  It has nothing to do with me or my life......leave the guy alone

Wasted potential....

     Society hates very few things more than wasted potential.  And you see it so often.  If we are honest with ourselves, we usually can see where we have a lot of wasted potential of our own.  "If I only would've done more/better...." is a refrain that is echoed in our heads so often.  That's why doing our best at things brings out a sort of euphoria.  But let's be honest, its easy to make this into a self-defeating effort if we aren't careful.

     So the balancing act becomes a war between, "I'm good enough and am happy with my effort" and "I could've done better".  Between slacker and over-achiever?  We're back to needing a middle ground again and getting away from the dysfunction of all or nothing, black or white.

     What about in others though?  We watch people that could be so much better and it often makes us mad.  Why is that?  What is it about seeing squandered potential that we make our business?  We do it with our kids in sports or schoolwork...."Keep your eye on the ball next time...or, You should've studied harder and you'd have gotten an A".  We do it in the gym, "If he would just work more on his mobility or strength, he'd be so much better".  So the message becomes a balance between "You are good enough" and "You are not good enough".  This cuts to the core of the wounds we come into adulthood with.

     What's the alternative?  Celebrating the average performance?  Yes! (sort of).  People should be celebrated for just showing up.  Should we tell our kids their strikeouts are just as cool as their hits?  I think that depends on what "they" think.  Do they put a premium on it?  Then we empathize with their feelings and not interject our own.

     My oldest son just wants to do enough in school to pass.  My daughter wants all A's.  They set their own standards and I support them.  He brings home a C and is happy about it, "good job, you passed".  She brings home a B and is upset about it, "Keep trying sweetie, maybe next time you set aside more study time....".  But ultimately (if you aren't careful) potential becomes a judgment in good enough or not good enough.  It really should be an endorsement of the person's feelings about things through support that says, "Whatever you want out of life, I'm right here for you, standing behind you, supporting you.  You are good enough."