The message of no confidence

     Kathy and I were discussing the fact this morning that she makes breakfast for the 3 kids every morning before school.  They are 11, 15, and 16.  She then recalled how she was getting her own breakfast from a very early age.  I said that I remember my mom making me scrambled eggs and toast in high school but I couldn't decide if that was just a sweet memory or if it happened everyday.

     In anycase, we discussed the idea of the importance of the kids learning to fend for themselves balanced with the desire to create those fond memories.

     In part we do things for our kids out of convenience (its easier for us) and also because we want things done right.  But mistakes are part of the learning curve.

     We have the choice to rescue our kids or let them struggle and learn to do things for themselves.  The constant rescue sends the message of no confidence in them.  A message of no confidence tells them you see them as incapable.  Letting them struggle however ends up creating self reliance and independence.  But it also feels like you are turning your back on them.  "Hey, help me out here!".  No....

     And so it can feel uncaring and uncomfortable to tell kids "Do it yourself", when they are asking for help.  Obviously making breakfast is probably not exactly a life or death situation.  But in general there is a mindset that needs to be shifted into as the kids get older.  One that moves from us doing for them to them doing for themselves.

     But it's hard to know that line.  It's hard especially when you have a 16 year old and an 11 year old.  One is entirely capable while the other is just kind of getting there with things.  Plus as they age you are surprised by their growing abilities-they aren't your helpless babies anymore.  And maybe you want to hold on to them as your babies to a degree.

     I guess we learn as we go and there isn't really a formula.  It's important to have the support of others going through the parenting thing to lean on though.  I don't want to be a jerk but I also don't want to create a helpless adult.  Such a dilemma......

5 things my kids need to know so they don't mess up their lives

     I have a 15 year old boy starting high school.  To make matters worse, a friend of mine said, "He's the most good looking kid I've ever seen."  Then my wife told me last week, "I think we're about to embark on a wild ride."

     I wish that I could do some things over in my life but even more I wish that my kids would take my advice on a few things.

1. Sex.

     Do NOT get going down this road before you are in a committed relationship AND are prepared (not necessarily ready, but prepared) to have a child.  Having a baby is a game changer.  MTV may make TV shows about teen moms and dads, but it is not worth the risk.

     Aside from pregnancy, all it takes is the wrong sexually transmitted disease and it can stick with you for your whole life.

     Condoms break all the time.  And there is no warning bell to tell you until its too late.  Just wait till you're older.  Please.

2. Alcohol or Drugs.

     There's a difference between having a drink and drinking to get drunk.  Sadly many kids drink to get drunk.  Or do drugs to get high.

     Bad things can happen when you lower your inhibitions.  Things you would love to do normally but your self-control allows you to make the right choices all the sudden become easier to do when drugs or alcohol are involved.

     Unfortunately, the "everyone is doing it" argument is sadly sort of true.  A large percentage of kids these days experiment.  But there are plenty who don't.  Guess what?  You won't regret waiting till you are older to experiment with having a drink.  And drugs are illegal for a reason.

     Every week there is another story about some unknown substance that caused a problem or death in a child who tried a drug.  You really cannot tell what is in the stuff that's out there.  Many times it is very dangerous.  On top of this, you can never tell how your body is going to react to things.

3. Fighting.

     Fighting rarely if ever solves problems.  I know emotions run high but aside from the dangers of fighting (weapons can get involved, injury/death, arrests, etc...) there is a strength MUCH greater than showing aggression, it is self-control.  It is a much greater display or power to hold back from fighting than to do it.

     Fighting often leads to more fighting.  Be the bigger person and let it go.
   
4. Risk taking.

     This encompasses a lot.  From physically dangerous things to the 3 things above.  Learn to override that voice that says, "It's fine, nothing will happen to me".  And weigh the risks.  (What if....)  As a parent we worry so much about you doing things that will "probably" be okay, but might go catastrophically wrong if one little unforseen thing happens.  

     The world can be a fun place without being so dangerous.

5. Realize that your friends will never love and care for you like your family.  Remember that when deciding who to listen to.


     In the story of Adam and Eve, God was the perfect parent and they STILL made a huge wrong choice in the garden.  We are far from perfect parents and so we can't expect you to be perfect either.  When you make mistakes, we will figure it out.  When you fall down, we'll try to help you up.  We've been there, made the mistakes and hope we can save you the trouble.

My 12 y/o daughter's crisis...

     The other night as a celebration for return to school, we took the kids to Big Spoon yogurt.  It's a place you go and serve yourself with frozen yogurt and then toppings and you weigh your dish and pay by the ounce.

     My beautiful daughter is 12 years old and 5'7".  She's basically a little girl in a woman's body.  Here she is in with me last month: (click the pic to get a good look)

     

     Anyway.  So she gets her frozen yogurt and fills it to the TOP.  Then adds toppings!  The boys ended up filling theirs half full and adding toppings.  I was sure that hers probably outweighed both of theirs combined and I thought it would be funny to call her out.  Sure enough...hers did out weigh both of theirs!

     So we sit down and I start singing a funny (to me) song about getting diabetes, meanwhile Kathy starts telling her that the amount of yogurt she has is ridiculous and way too much.

     We get home later and I can see something is wrong.  Soon enough it comes out that Lauren feels bad about herself because of us teasing and talking to her about going overboard on dessert.  There is talk of someone in 4th grade (3 yrs ago) saying her thighs were fat??  And just craaaazy tears from her about feeling ashamed and not good enough.

WHAT THE HELL?  My kid?  Really?  My beautiful, confident, kid who EVERYONE loves and says is just so wonderful and great?  My kid who is super thoughtful, mature, etc....?  My kid has these issues???

     It was a reminder that we all do.  We ALL struggle with feelings that tell us at times we aren't good enough, that we are disappointing people, etc...

     It was a reminder that my jokes (while funny to me) can push the raw spot inside of a person close to me.  While my message of concern can sometimes come through as condemnation if I'm not careful to be sensitive to the wounds that are there.  

     It turned out to be a blessing.  It allowed me to see that even the most beautiful, confident, together ones in your life still need your reassurance and your sensitivity.  Until the next crisis....!

Coach or cheerleader? You can't be both....

     Sitting at Luke's baseball game last night, I was reminded of the idea that you can be your kids coach or cheerleader...but not both.

     In sports, the coach's job is not to tell you your great, its to teach and correct mistakes to help you get better.  The coach is there to look at you with a critical eye.  Their real value lies in fixing your mistakes and telling you where you get it wrong.  If you are losing, the coach is full of criticism.  If you are winning, the coach is still looking for ways to help you be even better.  It's nothing personal.

     The cheerleaders, however, have a vastly different role.  Their role is to encourage and motivate by being positive and upbeat.  Whether the team is winning or losing, the cheerleader's function is to keep cheering.  When the game is all but lost, the cheerleaders might be the only ones on the field acting as if you can still pull it out.

     As parents, we can get trapped into taking personally when our kids are taking their eye off the ball, not holding the glove high enough, or making an error.  In our efforts to "help" them, we may be turning ourselves into the role of coach in the eyes of our little ones without realizing it.  How many adults look back and see a critical parent from their childhood that was always pointing out their mistakes?  They had a parent who fell into the role of coach and not cheerleader.

     On the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if your kids memories of you as a parent were that you were always standing behind them, always encouraging them, always giving them the feeling that you were rooting for them?

     Do you want to be a cheerleader or a coach?

To kiss or not to kiss...

     My 13 year old had his first girl come over to visit yesterday...It made Kathy and I freak out a little.  There are a few schools of thought on how to approach things.  We've had several "talks" with the kids about "things" over the years, but now its getting real.

     The Duggar approach.  If you've seen the show 19 kids and counting (they may be up in the 20's by now, who knows...) they had a system for their kids were only allowed to hug side-to-side, they weren't allowed to ever be alone.  It's basically a first kiss on the wedding day scenario.

     The Jase Robertson approach.  If you've seen Duck Dynasty, Jase is the 2nd oldest brother and has 2 teenage sons and a little girl.  He says, "Lips on lips, hands on hands".  His idea is you've got to give them first base.  But hands don't go anywhere else....and neither do lips....

     Okay fine, we watch a lot of TV....

     The "here's a pack of condoms, be careful" approach.  This approach isn't on any of the TV shows I've seen but it for sure is out there.  You basically assume that the kid is going to get himself going sexually at some point and you prepare him for it.

     I think there are solid points to be made by all 3 of these approaches.  Like all decisions and choices there are pros and cons.  I plan to sit down today/tonight with my young man and discuss respecting women, future goals, present risks, and see where it goes.

     I think that the biggest anxiety is always the fear of the unknown and by communicating, I'm hoping that the anxiety created by talking about such subjects is able to diffuse the anxiety about potential sticky situations he finds himself in down the road....