The message of no confidence

     Kathy and I were discussing the fact this morning that she makes breakfast for the 3 kids every morning before school.  They are 11, 15, and 16.  She then recalled how she was getting her own breakfast from a very early age.  I said that I remember my mom making me scrambled eggs and toast in high school but I couldn't decide if that was just a sweet memory or if it happened everyday.

     In anycase, we discussed the idea of the importance of the kids learning to fend for themselves balanced with the desire to create those fond memories.

     In part we do things for our kids out of convenience (its easier for us) and also because we want things done right.  But mistakes are part of the learning curve.

     We have the choice to rescue our kids or let them struggle and learn to do things for themselves.  The constant rescue sends the message of no confidence in them.  A message of no confidence tells them you see them as incapable.  Letting them struggle however ends up creating self reliance and independence.  But it also feels like you are turning your back on them.  "Hey, help me out here!".  No....

     And so it can feel uncaring and uncomfortable to tell kids "Do it yourself", when they are asking for help.  Obviously making breakfast is probably not exactly a life or death situation.  But in general there is a mindset that needs to be shifted into as the kids get older.  One that moves from us doing for them to them doing for themselves.

     But it's hard to know that line.  It's hard especially when you have a 16 year old and an 11 year old.  One is entirely capable while the other is just kind of getting there with things.  Plus as they age you are surprised by their growing abilities-they aren't your helpless babies anymore.  And maybe you want to hold on to them as your babies to a degree.

     I guess we learn as we go and there isn't really a formula.  It's important to have the support of others going through the parenting thing to lean on though.  I don't want to be a jerk but I also don't want to create a helpless adult.  Such a dilemma......

Intelligence, experience, love

     I've got 3 kids.  From an academic standpoint, I have a straight A student, another that gets lots of C's, and another that struggles to pass every year.

     I think I used to say things about the last 2 like, "oh they're smart, but just haven't found their way or their strengths yet.".  But the older these kids get, I start to think that maybe that some folks just aren't as smart as others.  I mean in life I have no problem thinking that about people I run into.  Some folks just need more time to "get things" that others "get" right away.  I guess we are a lot like computers, some people process fast, others slow.  And maybe some will never understand certain things that others do.  

     But this gauge isn't necessarily an indicator of 1. The kind of person they are and 2. their future success.  We all know the really smart person who screwed up their life or is just a straight up jerk.  And we all know the person who never did well in school but went on to be very successful in business and/or was the "nicest guy".

     So I guess I started to look at other things that might be attributes I can cultivate in my kids.  And I came up with Intelligence, experience, and love.

Intelligence

     I push my kids to do their best.  I ask them to be proud of working hard and achieving.  But I also realize that some folks might be what you call a C student. 

Experience

     In a way this is what some people call common sense.  The experiences of life.  But it is also a type of learning that is often not an academic type.  I'm currently more intelligent than my youngest son, but his experience on the computer blows my mind at what he can do.  And so I push the kids to get understanding of things through life and its encounters.

Love

     I believe this virtue is so very important to cultivate.  And it comes in many forms.  Kindness to people, to animals, respect for others as well as the earth.  Understanding that there is so much more in this life and world than just us as individuals.  The idea that we are a collective, a community.  And then the idea that relationships of a 1-on-1 nature are where we are supposed to be most safe and secure and learn real love.

     So I hope that this lack of "smarts" turns out to be a blessing for my family.  Because if I had 3 straight A students, I might fall into the trap of thinking that was the determinant of success.  I don't know because I don't have that.  What I do have are 3 kids that I think are really great people and each have their gifts and their struggles and I'm hoping they take the 3 virtues above and work on them the best they can but then at the end of the day be happy with who they are.

My 12 y/o daughter's crisis...

     The other night as a celebration for return to school, we took the kids to Big Spoon yogurt.  It's a place you go and serve yourself with frozen yogurt and then toppings and you weigh your dish and pay by the ounce.

     My beautiful daughter is 12 years old and 5'7".  She's basically a little girl in a woman's body.  Here she is in with me last month: (click the pic to get a good look)

     

     Anyway.  So she gets her frozen yogurt and fills it to the TOP.  Then adds toppings!  The boys ended up filling theirs half full and adding toppings.  I was sure that hers probably outweighed both of theirs combined and I thought it would be funny to call her out.  Sure enough...hers did out weigh both of theirs!

     So we sit down and I start singing a funny (to me) song about getting diabetes, meanwhile Kathy starts telling her that the amount of yogurt she has is ridiculous and way too much.

     We get home later and I can see something is wrong.  Soon enough it comes out that Lauren feels bad about herself because of us teasing and talking to her about going overboard on dessert.  There is talk of someone in 4th grade (3 yrs ago) saying her thighs were fat??  And just craaaazy tears from her about feeling ashamed and not good enough.

WHAT THE HELL?  My kid?  Really?  My beautiful, confident, kid who EVERYONE loves and says is just so wonderful and great?  My kid who is super thoughtful, mature, etc....?  My kid has these issues???

     It was a reminder that we all do.  We ALL struggle with feelings that tell us at times we aren't good enough, that we are disappointing people, etc...

     It was a reminder that my jokes (while funny to me) can push the raw spot inside of a person close to me.  While my message of concern can sometimes come through as condemnation if I'm not careful to be sensitive to the wounds that are there.  

     It turned out to be a blessing.  It allowed me to see that even the most beautiful, confident, together ones in your life still need your reassurance and your sensitivity.  Until the next crisis....!

Coach or cheerleader? You can't be both....

     Sitting at Luke's baseball game last night, I was reminded of the idea that you can be your kids coach or cheerleader...but not both.

     In sports, the coach's job is not to tell you your great, its to teach and correct mistakes to help you get better.  The coach is there to look at you with a critical eye.  Their real value lies in fixing your mistakes and telling you where you get it wrong.  If you are losing, the coach is full of criticism.  If you are winning, the coach is still looking for ways to help you be even better.  It's nothing personal.

     The cheerleaders, however, have a vastly different role.  Their role is to encourage and motivate by being positive and upbeat.  Whether the team is winning or losing, the cheerleader's function is to keep cheering.  When the game is all but lost, the cheerleaders might be the only ones on the field acting as if you can still pull it out.

     As parents, we can get trapped into taking personally when our kids are taking their eye off the ball, not holding the glove high enough, or making an error.  In our efforts to "help" them, we may be turning ourselves into the role of coach in the eyes of our little ones without realizing it.  How many adults look back and see a critical parent from their childhood that was always pointing out their mistakes?  They had a parent who fell into the role of coach and not cheerleader.

     On the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if your kids memories of you as a parent were that you were always standing behind them, always encouraging them, always giving them the feeling that you were rooting for them?

     Do you want to be a cheerleader or a coach?