Sex-marriage or not?

Recently I was speaking to one of the teenagers about sex and its context within marriage or not. I communicated that I didn’t necessarily think sex was only for marriage. However I do think that marriage provides much of the context that should be considered when deciding whether to engage in sexual activity.

What I mean is that I believe that sex should be reserved for BOTH of the following:

1. Committed relationships
2. Times in life that you are prepared (mentally, socially, financially, etc…) to deal with the consequences that come along with pregnancy.

Committed relationships are important because sexual relationships (like it or not) mean a lot. They are chemically bonding between 2 people. And if you are not in a committed relationship with the person there’s probably a reason. Either the person isn’t someone you want to be with long term or you aren’t psychologically ready for a commitment. In either case, creating a chemical bond with someone in those cases is a bad idea.

Then the other side of things is the readiness to deal with pregnancy. I made the analogy about driving above the speed limit. If you are going to take that risk, you should be ready to accept that if things don’t go your way that you will have to pay a speeding ticket and higher insurance premiums.

If things don’t go your way with sex (meaning you have a pregnancy before you are prepared for one) then you have to know you are going to need to deal with that.

So in reality, marriage often does fit the criteria for sexual preparedness. But deconstructing it even further, I think that you must make sure that you have thought it through all the way.

The happy marriage trap

     I have a close friend that is in the middle of a divorce.  After nearly 20 years.  The only explanation I'm hearing is that the spouse wasn't happy.

     I've been married almost 21 years.  I have had some periods where I felt unhappy.  I have had a few periods that I felt happy.  But by and large I have been neither happy nor unhappy.  It's not an either or.

     Saying I want to be happy is basically chasing perfection.  If I am happy with a situation, its going great and I have no complaints.  Nothing can change to make it better.

     There's a difference in being happy with your situation and being happy in your situation.

     I think that very few spouses are happy.  Most people would agree that their marriage isn't perfect.

MYTH 1: If I'm not happy, I'm unhappy.

     On the other hand, unhappy is an entirely different animal.  If you are unhappy, I think that you should seriously consider getting out of the situation you are in.  If you are unhappy, you cannot be happy.  However, if you are not happy, it doesn't mean you are unhappy.

      I have a suspicion that my friend's spouse has found themselves in a position that they aren't unhappy, however internally some things have shifted that makes them realize that in this marriage there is no longer even the potential to be happy.

     Hope and potential are powerful things.  They can keep you in a situation that isn't happy, yet isn't unhappy either.  I suspect my friend's spouse lost hope or saw no potential and then finally decided to be done.  They will probably end up in a situation that gives them more hope and potential, but not likely the happy they are after.

MYTH 2: Everyone has the potential to be happy.

     As for me and my 21 year "secret".  I have found that I live each day in the present as best as I can.  I try not to look at the past nor the future.  I try to accept things and people for the way they are today and make decisions based on today.  Do I want to be "happy"?  I suppose I do, but based on who I am, I may never be able to have that, or I may, who knows.  I have no idea or any way to tell if that's in my future.  I can only work to be the best me and most accepting me today.

Lexapro diaries pt 2-going off the medication

     I have taken lexapro since Sept 2011.  It was actually a good thing :)

     I was explained that the way it was supposed to work for me was kind of like this:

Imagine a large meadow or field of grass.  There are paths that get worn down from you're walking that way over the years.  Habits, reactions, ways of doing things if you will.  When you take this medication and go through counseling, its going to allow you to take different paths through the meadow.  Create new habits and reactions to things.

     Before I began taking the medication, I always wondered why in conflict I couldn't react the way I wanted to.  In short, I seemed to always over react.  If friends could ask me about relationships, I could give GREAT insight and advice.  But I just could not travel down that path myself in the heat of battle.

     The lexapro (plus counseling) made all the difference to me.  I was finally able to listen.  I was able to sit and think about how I was going to react and respond to something.  I was finally able to walk a new path.  Of course no one is perfect, but my reaction to conflict changed very much for the better.

     I decided a few months ago (with the consent of my doctor) that it was time to get off of the medication.  It was never meant to be a long term medicine for people I am told.  And 7 years was probably a little longer than recommended.  The idea was that at this point, I had created the new habits, the new pathways through the meadow.  I had changed my behavior.

     It was a curious time though because there was the "what if I become like the old me" question.  My friend asked me the other day, knowing its been 2 months, how I was feeling without the medication.  Did I notice a difference.  I don't.  I feel like I'm walking through the new paths that I established with the medicine.  I guess I still know the choice is there to lose it over things, but I just don't really do that anymore.

     So I guess taking the medication but not having something you're actively working to change isn't really helpful.  I'm walking the path I want to walk.

     And here's something VERY curious.  The numbness I discussed in the last lexapro diaries posting, it's going away.  I've cried many times in the last 2 months reading books, watching a show, and a few times just thinking about some things.  It's the strangest thing.

     There's still things in my life that I wonder "Should I care more about this?"  But I just chalk it up to my reactions/responses to stressful situations as being retrained.

     So there it is.  The latest in the lexapro diaries....

What I believe part 2

     A guy asked me about my faith recently.  It led to quite a conversation.  My beliefs have really continued to change as the years have gone on.  Here was part one of my beliefs I wrote 5/12/15: previous blog It discussed creation, the bible, homosexuality, Jesus, etc....

Here is some of what we discussed:

1. Personal God, impersonal God, hands-on, hands-off:

     I think that my traditional understanding has always been that we have a personal hands-on God.  Pray and God hears you.  Pray enough and you can change things.  But the more I live and see and experience, I am starting to think that we have a personal God that is hands-off.  In other words, the world was set in motion and now its going and he is sitting back watching.  But I think there is a personal vesting or interest in our lives as well.

     Thinking of God as a father to all of us, makes it easier for me to try to wrap my head and heart around things.  If I raise my kids and send them off into the world, now life is up to them.  If they do well, I celebrate with them.  If they fall on hard times, I'm sad with them.  But should I be getting involved in their problems?  If I want them to stand on their own 2 feet, then I'd say no I shouldn't.  They are always welcome to come over for dinner, but don't expect me to hand out $ to bail them out of problems.  I have 3 kids, what if I had 3 billion?  Then I kinda need to be rooting for them, but not living their lives.  What if they beg me?  Isn't this kinda like prayer?  Does begging get me to intervene in their lives???  I mean it shouldn't.  Maybe once in a GREAT while I might show up and do something completely unexpected.  But it should never be expected.

     And then when my kids are grown ups, am I punishing them ever for their mistakes?  I'd say no.  I'd say life and mistakes are punishment enough.  I'm in their corner sitting with them in their mess, sad right along side of them.  But I'm not orchestrating a punishment for their behavior....  There is a saying, "sin is its own punishment".  I'm not ever withholding love or withholding protection anymore than I'm ever arbitrarily giving favor to one child over the other.  So why would God be any different if I'm made in his image?

2. Animals versus humans....evil versus altruism.....consciousness versus instinct

     As humans, we are animals.  We're an animal with a brain that has evolved to have a consciousness.  I think that when that happened, we became aware.  We began to think about creation and the start of this whole thing.  I'm not entirely sure how God may have begun to interact with us.  I mean along with consciousness comes the yearning to know our creator and the desire to make sense of it all. 

    Science will tell you (pretty strongly) evolution has occurred, that there were other humans besides us (homo-sapiens).  So what's the problem if a creator began the whole show and evolution took us to animals that became conscious-which would be in the image of God (the ultimate form of consciousness some would say)?  It doesn't have to be an either/or.

     So now evil as we call it, happens when we (sadly) embrace our animal nature and instincts.  But what happens when we embrace our consciousness?  Love, empathy, forgiveness, altruism.  Those are very scarce qualities in the animal kingdom.  They happen within family lines, but you never see a hyena calling over to the jackal to share the carcass.  So are you a conscious animal?  I am.  So act like one, don't just act like an animal.  Act with the gifts that came with the consciousness.


3. Other religious faiths:

     I think that religion is a cultural phenomenon.  I was born in a Christian nation.  Go back 2,500 years and there was no such thing.  What about those born in a Muslim nation?  Hindu?  Etc....

     So what does that mean?  I guess I don't really know.  If my concept of us being children of God is accurate, then maybe the new command Jesus gave in John 13:34-35, (to love one another and that is how we will know that we are his followers), is the criteria we need to use to decide if we are indeed following God. 

     What about all the other extra stuff besides that?  I don't know, what about it?  I mean there are funny things about us humans that makes us exhibit a tribalism that causes us to want to be better/different than those "others".  In and within all religious faiths a layer gets placed on top of loving one another.  This succeeds in turning the focus into an "us" versus "them".   The added layers might even be well meaning and well intentioned in order to "keep us on track" in our efforts to be loving.

     But consider that if we are children of God.  What kind of sense does it make for me to promote my kids to go off in three different directions of exclusivity (Christian, Jew, Muslim) if that is something that really matters?  Unless maybe the only thing that "really" matters is not how they worship, but how they love?? 

Lexapro diaries

     I've taken a small dose of Lexapro since September of 2011.  I was dealing with a stressful time in my life and a Physician's Assistant friend suggested that I needed to get on an anti-anxiety medication.  He had known me at that point since 1991 and remarked that I'd "always" needed this because of my personality.

     The background is that I grew up in a chaotic home getting in lots of trouble through early childhood into adolescence.  Boundaries were virtually nonexistent and that caused me to push my life and people in it very hard to feel in control.  I built businesses, I ran multi-day races, ultra-marathons, immersed myself in ministries, went to college as an adult to complete various degrees, etc etc etc.

     So the stress of 2011 was a culmination of 40 years spent running my life as fast as I could.  All along, inside my head would spin fast and almost out of control in times of conflict.  Enter medication and a life that changed for the better.

     In these 7+ years, I have learned to slow life down and react far less to stresses.  But there is a down side....I've come to realize that my emotions are almost numbed.  I enjoy not having lows and periods of being upset about things.  But it also takes away a lot of the highs and excitement that life produces.  I stay almost entirely level and things don't really bother me nor do they excite me.

     I am able to stay focused at work and get a lot done steadily because very little distracts me.  The old me would deal with periods of distraction due to becoming hyper focused on something because it either bothered me or interested me to such a degree.

     I used to get very upset and frustrated when the kids would not meet my expectations or when my wife would not understand me.  Now I have an almost apathetic attitude towards things.  Feeling that its not really up to me to worry beyond what I can control.  I just do what I think is my best and if its not enough I just resolve to learn and try better in the future vs. getting upset.

     So here we are.  I sometimes wonder what things would be like if I discontinue the medication.  Would I be happier and sadder at the same time??  Would I get more from life?  Or would it control me like it used to.

     This medication wasn't supposed to be forever.  My doctor seemed to indicate that along with the counseling I went through, it would be a thing that would help "re-wire" the pathways in my brain into new habits and characteristics.  But yet I'm still here taking the dose and wondering if I'm "normal" or if I'm "abnormal".  The funny part about it all though is that I don't really care all that much....all part of the change I guess.

The long crossfit journey 2011-2017

     This is my 6th Crossfit open.  I didn't start this sport until I turned 40 and prior to that I was never a college athlete.  I was a desk working endurance athlete that did ultra-marathons and adventure racing.  So essentially I came from a background of limited strength and athletic ability.  Slow and steady was how I ran races.

2012

     I started CF in Sept of 2011 and so I went into the 2012 open with about 5-6 months of training.  Back then there were only 25,000 men registered.  This was the year of the 7 minutes of burpees.....no one liked that.

I finished 15591st in the world and 914th in the region.  Basically 62nd % world and 61st % region.

2013

     I moved over to my current box in Nov 2012.  So I went into this years open a few months later.  I had a solid year + of CF under my belt by now.  I remember this year having forever to stare at the rings and attempt a muscle up.  I got none.  This year the open had 52,000 men registered.

I finished 30176th in the world and 1579th in the region.  57.8% and 58%.  So not a whole lot better....

2014

     This was a solid year under the training and programming of Blair Morrison.  Things were coming along.  I remember the chipper 14.4 and getting ONE muscle up!  I was over joyed.  I still didn't really "have them" until later this year.  My 14 yo son at the time was doing them strict.....  Anyhow, this year there were 80,000 men registered!  Whoa.

I finished 15678th in the world and 745th in the region.  19.5% and 20%.  What a difference coaching and programming made.

* This year they added 40 years old to masters.  I was 759th (of 8100).  Only the top 200 go to the next round and only 20 of those go to the games.

2015

     This year 15.3 had 7 muscle ups to start the 14 min workout.  I ended up getting 14 muscle ups in that one and knew that I had finally "HAD them"!  153,000 men registered this year-unreal.

I finished 16943rd in the world and 760th in the region.  11% and 12%.

* Masters I was 711th (of 17340).  Still a ways off from even the qualifiers!

2016

     2016 was the year of the bar muscle up.  I broke my wrist back in 2012 on a failed clean.  Ended up having surgery on both later.   My grip tends to be a chronic problem.  In spite of that, it was a good year nonetheless.  178,500 men registered this year.

I finished 16915th in the world and 643rd in the region.  9% and 10%.

* Masters 677th (of 20940) and at this rate I'll make the masters qualifier workouts in 20 years....

2017

    This was going to be my breakout year.  I was moving into the 45 yo age group, I was stronger and fitter than ever.  Then my body started to tell me it was 45.....It's funny but I got sick before the open (and blew 17.1) and this last year in spite of being stronger and fitter, has been a tough one with nagging aches and pains.  Pretty lame!!!  This year 214,500 men registered!!  Are you kidding?!?!

I finished 29689th in the world and 968th in the region. (which drags me down a bit % wise, but it was a throw away year after 17.1)

* As a 45 y/o, I was 601st (of 14200-(must be attrition from other people falling apart too!))

     All in all, its been a very rewarding experience for my over these last 5-6 years.  There are much more genetically blessed individuals than I.  There are younger individuals than I.  But I can only control how hard I work and for the time I'm in the gym, there are few that get more out of the time they put in.

     I've been lucky to end up in a gym like the one I'm at and train with the guys that I train with.  I may never make the qualifiers, but I won't stop trying.  And each year is a success as long as I give it all I have and can sleep at night knowing that I tried.

The message of no confidence

     Kathy and I were discussing the fact this morning that she makes breakfast for the 3 kids every morning before school.  They are 11, 15, and 16.  She then recalled how she was getting her own breakfast from a very early age.  I said that I remember my mom making me scrambled eggs and toast in high school but I couldn't decide if that was just a sweet memory or if it happened everyday.

     In anycase, we discussed the idea of the importance of the kids learning to fend for themselves balanced with the desire to create those fond memories.

     In part we do things for our kids out of convenience (its easier for us) and also because we want things done right.  But mistakes are part of the learning curve.

     We have the choice to rescue our kids or let them struggle and learn to do things for themselves.  The constant rescue sends the message of no confidence in them.  A message of no confidence tells them you see them as incapable.  Letting them struggle however ends up creating self reliance and independence.  But it also feels like you are turning your back on them.  "Hey, help me out here!".  No....

     And so it can feel uncaring and uncomfortable to tell kids "Do it yourself", when they are asking for help.  Obviously making breakfast is probably not exactly a life or death situation.  But in general there is a mindset that needs to be shifted into as the kids get older.  One that moves from us doing for them to them doing for themselves.

     But it's hard to know that line.  It's hard especially when you have a 16 year old and an 11 year old.  One is entirely capable while the other is just kind of getting there with things.  Plus as they age you are surprised by their growing abilities-they aren't your helpless babies anymore.  And maybe you want to hold on to them as your babies to a degree.

     I guess we learn as we go and there isn't really a formula.  It's important to have the support of others going through the parenting thing to lean on though.  I don't want to be a jerk but I also don't want to create a helpless adult.  Such a dilemma......