The message of no confidence

     Kathy and I were discussing the fact this morning that she makes breakfast for the 3 kids every morning before school.  They are 11, 15, and 16.  She then recalled how she was getting her own breakfast from a very early age.  I said that I remember my mom making me scrambled eggs and toast in high school but I couldn't decide if that was just a sweet memory or if it happened everyday.

     In anycase, we discussed the idea of the importance of the kids learning to fend for themselves balanced with the desire to create those fond memories.

     In part we do things for our kids out of convenience (its easier for us) and also because we want things done right.  But mistakes are part of the learning curve.

     We have the choice to rescue our kids or let them struggle and learn to do things for themselves.  The constant rescue sends the message of no confidence in them.  A message of no confidence tells them you see them as incapable.  Letting them struggle however ends up creating self reliance and independence.  But it also feels like you are turning your back on them.  "Hey, help me out here!".  No....

     And so it can feel uncaring and uncomfortable to tell kids "Do it yourself", when they are asking for help.  Obviously making breakfast is probably not exactly a life or death situation.  But in general there is a mindset that needs to be shifted into as the kids get older.  One that moves from us doing for them to them doing for themselves.

     But it's hard to know that line.  It's hard especially when you have a 16 year old and an 11 year old.  One is entirely capable while the other is just kind of getting there with things.  Plus as they age you are surprised by their growing abilities-they aren't your helpless babies anymore.  And maybe you want to hold on to them as your babies to a degree.

     I guess we learn as we go and there isn't really a formula.  It's important to have the support of others going through the parenting thing to lean on though.  I don't want to be a jerk but I also don't want to create a helpless adult.  Such a dilemma......

I grew up fighting

     A few weeks ago I was out with friends and the subject came up of some guy getting in another guys face and how the one backed down and was quite meek about it.  And to me it was kind of crazy to think of this.  But one of the guys we were out with said, "who cares, what would be the point of fighting?"

     I almost fell out of my chair.  I mean sure, a guy calls you a name, who cares.  Or someone cuts you off in traffic or flips you off, so what.  But when the guy is pushing you around and threatening you????  It just seemed like there was really NO other choices but to finish what this guy was starting.....

     Let's move backwards for a second.  Some of my youngest memories are of either seeing people fight in my family or me actually fighting.  (Second grade was one of my 1st serious fights-5th grade David Milligan brutally beat the shit out of me, and then there's the note in kindergarden when I pulled the knife on Tray....)

 So for me, this was a default until I turned 18.  After I turned 18 I knew that I'd go to jail.  But there was one time about 7-8 years ago...  I was in a business meeting and one of the doctors was questioning the way I was running our partnership.  We were getting snippy with each other and he said "fuck you".....Up I went, grabbed him and physically removed him from the meeting room.  I'm lucky I didn't go to jail?!?!?  What the hell was I thinking?

     Son thereafter I learned to slow things down and think rationally.  (read: my life long anxiety got treated).  Even since then though I've had escalations that at the time seemed "reasonable" but then looking back were not how I would re-do them.  But if you are wired to fight, it is a weird thing to have someone challenge you and to back down meekly.  But I gained a huge perspective and admiration for the guy who said to me, "who cares, what would be the point of fighting?".  He's right!  Do I want my sons fighting or do I want them self-confident enough to know fighting is stupid and gets you no where?

     We always have a choice to escalate a situation or try to de-escalate it.  What takes more strength of character?  What is more impressive?  The guy who is challenged and beats another guy into a pulp or the guy who can make the situation go away by backing down?  De-escalation is a skill we are seldom taught as little boys :(

     Always growing, always learning and always hoping to be a better man than I was in the past.  Sadly its a long road from where I started!!

It shouldn't be this hard!!!

     I've heard this over the years from many folks and about many situations.

Let's start with getting ripped abs....what the heck?!?!?  It shouldn't be this hard.  And especially as I get older it gets harder (I assume....since I've never really put in the work to have them:))

Relationships.  Marriage shouldn't be this hard!!

Parenting.  Raising a kid to make good decisions shouldn't be this hard!

Money.  Making half a million dollars a year shouldn't be this hard!!!!

Running a marathon, deadlifting 500 lbs, finishing medical school, etc....

    Guess what bitches?

ANYTHING worth a fuck, is not going to come easy.....

"yeah but it shouldn't be this hard......"

     In the real world, some things come easier for others than they do you.  Maybe you're a hot mess because your parents never showed you they loved you.  Guess what?  Relationships are going to be hard for you.  Maybe you are built like a marathon runner.  Guess what?  A 500lb deadlift probably is not going to be very easy for you.  Maybe you were an impulsive/unpredictable kid from a home where chaos reigned.  Guess what?  Parenting (and plenty of other things) may be hard for you because of many reasons.....

Are you getting the picture?  So what now?  Give up?  Settle for mediocre?  

Maybe.  I mean who "really" cares about a 500 lb deadlift.  But if you do, by all means, keep putting in the work!  Do you really want to be a doctor?  Well if not, switch gears and do something easier.  Or buckle down and realize that its going to take some work.

     At the end of the day, know what matters, who matters, and put your energies in the right places.  Count on the right people.  Have a support system.  Love one another through the "hard work" and it gets easier to get to the other side of your goals.  

Know who is on your team rooting for you and who is not and is working against your journey.  (cupcakes and ice cream are working against your desire for ripped abs-in case you didn't know....)

But by all means, and this is the key, you can't make it through life alone.  Find a relationship (hard or not) and hang on to get the good stuff in life!!

All pizza is generally good-all crossfit generally works. But some pizza is better than others....

    I have committed to 6 weeks away from the box I train at because of a desire to address some lingering mobility issues before the open.  The reason I can't train at my box is that the owner won't let you deviate from his programming.  And I generally stay 30 minutes after the class each time anyway to fill in the holes (by my definition) in the programming.  But now I'm customizing my warmups to address these lingering issues and I just don't have the time if I stay at my box to do this and still plug in the other holes.

     Big deal right?  Well I know of at least 7 members ranging from competitors to regular exercisers complain about the programming and some leave because of it.  What do I mean specifically??

     Well let's start with the pizza analogy.  I like pizza.  It's all actually pretty good to me.   However, I've eaten a lot of pizza in my 45 years.  And so Pizza Hut might have been "great" when I first tried it.  I've since become a bit more nuanced about pizza and I actually like a new york style, thin crust, margherita pizza.  There's a local place that has a bunch of options for pizza too that are really good and kind of serve whatever mood you're in.  So while Pizza Hut is still "fine", I've come to see that it has some limitations.

     Let's move on to the box I train at now.  If you're just starting crossfit, it's great.  Even if you have been doing CF for 5 years like me, it's still good and you will still make progress.  Because like pizza, in general all crossfit is good.  But our guy likes to "take people out of their comfort zone".  And I'm not saying that's a bad thing.  But it is kind of a "take it or leave it thing".  And so as I said, I end up training an extra 30 minutes after every workout to plug in the holes.  Because there are a lot of days we are doing things like practicing headstands for 10 minutes, freestyle dancing, playing partner volleyball, swimming, crab soccer, etc....

     Is it what most members want?  Lots would say no.  Is it what we need?  I guess that depends on your perspective.  But in the business world, consumers are supposed to rule to a point.  And when people start complaining, you start to see that customers are not getting what they want.
   
     So what's the solution?  I think that if you are a box owner then regular business principles apply.  Find out what the customers want and find a way to deliver.  No one should be dreading the workout because they feel like its wasting their time.  Of course you can't please everyone, but then again a pizza place that only serves one kind of pizza might have a die hard group of customers, but eventually when the place that is more customer driven opens up down the block, then the owner is going to have to re-evaluate.....

The truth about deloading

     I have not deloaded since Feb 2015.

     Ultimately deloading is a fancy way to say, "I need a break before I can dial it back up again".  In reality, I did Fran the other day and I needed to "deload" for about 15 minutes before I could think about doing anything else.  My partners left....(pussies)

     Years ago, I was training Mon Tues, Thur, Fri, Sat.  Of those days, I was waking up at 4:50am M,Tu,Th,F.  I found that after about 3 weeks at it I needed a whole week to "deload".  I was shot and so it was a needed rest week.

     Do you really need to deload for a whole week?  Do you even need to deload for a day?  Not necessarily.  It depends on your program, your anatomy and physiology, and your sleep and nutrition.  There is no 1 size fits all.

     When a person tells you that you need a rest or deload week and they don't know all of those factors, they are basically telling you what "they" do.  In the words of Donnie Thompson, "be your own coach"!

Factors in recovery

How old are you?
Are you sleeping enough?
Are you eating enough?
Are you taking steroids?
Is your body healthy?

Age matters.  When you are younger, consider that you are on natural steroids.  You have hormones secreting that allow you to repair tissue better, absorb nutrients better, and you likely have healthy joints.  (And you probably don't have the same stresses as us old people-kids, mortgage, thinning hair, etc...)

Sleep.  When I changed the routine from M,Tu,Th,F,Sat to M,W,F,Sat,  I went from limited sleep 4 days a week (and honestly I couldn't really sleep in W at that point) to limited sleep only 3 days a week.  And sleep matters.

Food.  I started paying attention to my protein (and overall calorie) intake when I started the RP diet last year.  It made a difference in my tissue rebuilding and energy.

Steroids.  If you are taking them, good for you.  Likely you are recovering like a teenager.  :)

Healthy joints.  At my advanced age (ha!) I have bad joints all over the place.  By limiting my days that I train on consecutive days, I've found that my body feels WAY better and far less beat up.

Hard training days per month

     When I was training 5 days a week, I was needing a deload every 4th week.  So in reality I was training hard 15 days a month.  Now I never need a deload week and train 4 days a week.  That's 16 hard training days a month.  Hmmm....

     So really I think that if you are getting enough sleep and food and giving your joints the right kind of rest between sessions, you can "train as much as you can still recover".  If I didn't work for a living (necessitating me to train week days at 530am) and have a family that liked me to be home at night, shoot I'd train everyday!  I think that if you are smart and INDIVIDUAL in your programming and recovery efforts then you should be able to maximize your training without much worry!

     One size never fits all.

Using your car ride for warmup-wrists and shoulders

     I train at 530 am.  I don't want to show up to the gym early to warmup before class.  So I've learned to become resourceful on the drive over!

SHOULDERS

Most crossfitters shoulders take a beating.  One of the keys to getting them healthy and keeping them healthy is rotator cuff strengthening.  Here's the best pic I could find of what I sort of do:

I don't do 2 arms at once, but I do however perform banded external rotation for 1 arm at a time on the way to the gym.  Using the free arm to steer the car, the other arm can do external rotation while you sit on the opposite end of the band under the leg.  I do a set on the left, then a set on the right for upwards around 20-30 reps to get the muscles burning and alive.  Then I will do another set on each arm with the arm up in the frontal plane and it looks somewhat like this:

I still have the end of the band tucked under my opposing leg and I steer with my opposite arm.  I'll knock out a high rep burning set on each arm.  The key is to keep the elbow fixed in the air without moving it, all the while rotating through the shoulder joint.

WRISTS

     The other area I MUST warm up before I arrive are my wrists.  They both have ligament tears and have to be warm if I'm going to do barbell work or walk on my hands or burpees, etc....

     For the wrists I do the following:

1.  (open hand extensor stretch)

Seated in the drivers seat I keep an open hand and stretch one wrist at a time in between my legs on the seat with my fingers and wrist in the following position (this is the best pic I could come up with):

I'll do 30-60" each arm then switch to the following finger, wrist position:

2.  (hook grip flexor stretch)

Again, I'm doing 1 arm at a time in between my legs and posted on my seat.  The key to this hand position is to get your fingers into a hook grip with the thumbs wrapped by the fingers.  Another 30-60" per arm.

3. (hook grip wrist extensor stretch)   

I don't have a great pic but the last stretch is THE KEY STRETCH.  You keep the hook grip and turn the palm over so that it is on the seat in the same way as the 1st wrist stretch except now you are in a hookgrip.  This is the bread and butter the other 2 were leading up to.  Hold for 30-60" again.

    This sequence does absolute wonders for your front rack as well as gymnastic bar work, pushup/burpee position etc.....

Good luck!

(once I get to the gym, I do another 4 shoulder stretches from Dusty Hyland and then a little hip sequence and I'm ready to go!)

Intelligence, experience, love

     I've got 3 kids.  From an academic standpoint, I have a straight A student, another that gets lots of C's, and another that struggles to pass every year.

     I think I used to say things about the last 2 like, "oh they're smart, but just haven't found their way or their strengths yet.".  But the older these kids get, I start to think that maybe that some folks just aren't as smart as others.  I mean in life I have no problem thinking that about people I run into.  Some folks just need more time to "get things" that others "get" right away.  I guess we are a lot like computers, some people process fast, others slow.  And maybe some will never understand certain things that others do.  

     But this gauge isn't necessarily an indicator of 1. The kind of person they are and 2. their future success.  We all know the really smart person who screwed up their life or is just a straight up jerk.  And we all know the person who never did well in school but went on to be very successful in business and/or was the "nicest guy".

     So I guess I started to look at other things that might be attributes I can cultivate in my kids.  And I came up with Intelligence, experience, and love.

Intelligence

     I push my kids to do their best.  I ask them to be proud of working hard and achieving.  But I also realize that some folks might be what you call a C student. 

Experience

     In a way this is what some people call common sense.  The experiences of life.  But it is also a type of learning that is often not an academic type.  I'm currently more intelligent than my youngest son, but his experience on the computer blows my mind at what he can do.  And so I push the kids to get understanding of things through life and its encounters.

Love

     I believe this virtue is so very important to cultivate.  And it comes in many forms.  Kindness to people, to animals, respect for others as well as the earth.  Understanding that there is so much more in this life and world than just us as individuals.  The idea that we are a collective, a community.  And then the idea that relationships of a 1-on-1 nature are where we are supposed to be most safe and secure and learn real love.

     So I hope that this lack of "smarts" turns out to be a blessing for my family.  Because if I had 3 straight A students, I might fall into the trap of thinking that was the determinant of success.  I don't know because I don't have that.  What I do have are 3 kids that I think are really great people and each have their gifts and their struggles and I'm hoping they take the 3 virtues above and work on them the best they can but then at the end of the day be happy with who they are.