A Relationship Killer....

Heard this story on  thegodjourney.com podcast many years ago:

     There was a couple that had been married for a while, basically raising kids, going thru life as we all do.  Let's just say the relationship was stuck in a lull.  One day, the doorbell rang and the wife went and answered it, only to find a girl standing there.  "Can I help you?" the wife asked.  The girl said, "Your husband called and told me to come over and babysit the kids tonight".  Moments later, the husband arrives home from work and comes in the house and tell his wife, "Honey, get your favorite dress on, we're going out tonight".  The wife is surprised and very excited at this point. 

     So they drive off to a very nice restaurant and awaiting them is a very special table by the window and as she sits down, she sees a note by her place setting.  She opens it to find a handwritten list from her husband of all the things he loves about her.  They go on to have a great meal with the most wonderful conversation and at the end he pulls out a red rose (her favorite) and gives it to her.  The wife is thinking, "could this get any better?".  The relationship is flying high.

     So the following week, the door bell rings again.  She goes to the door to find the baby sitter.  "What are you doing here?", the wife asks.  "Your husband asked me to watch the kids again".  The wife immediately gets that excited feeling again.  Moments later the husband is home from work, "Honey, get your favorite dress on, we're going out tonight".  So off they go and the husband drives to the same restaurant as last week.  The couple are sat in the same special table, she notices the same special handwritten note of all the things he loves about her.  They go on to have the same conversation and at the end of the meal he pulls out...the same red rose (still her favorite).  The wife is thinking that this is a little weird, but it's nice to be out and together.

     This same thing happens the next week and then the next.  And as each week goes by with same routine, same dress, same restaurant, same meal, same list, same flower.... the wife is starting to indicate that she doesn't feel the same way about this as she did the first time.  It has gone from "special" in her eyes, uplifting to the relationship, to a point that it is just weird this same thing every week.  The husband is amazed, he can't figure it out.  He says to her, "But honey, you really loved it the first time..."

So what is the lesson here?  

     The lesson is that ritual and tradition can actually be subversive to relationship.  What was once great, if allowed to become repetitious can quickly become less about the relationship and more about the routine ("this is what we do....").  We can relate that to relationships of our own but we can even relate that to some churches that are stuck in tradition and rituals.  What was once a fresh and uplifting experience can deteriorate into a meaningless activity that is done for traditions sake.  And soon it becomes an obligation that we don't really look forward to....if we're not careful.

     How much better would it have been if the 2nd week, the husband would've said let's go to a play or a movie?  Or even a different restaurant?  We must look relationships through the needs of others and their eyes.  We must guard against a formula that is followed without thought.  Again, lend that to our spiritual lives: Is it formulaic and grounded in rituals that become little more than something we do because we've always done it that way?

     Some ritual can be good as long as it doesn't become an obligation that you dread.  If you read the bible daily and look at it similar to sitting with your spouse and sharing quality time then it's not a formula of "reading because I should".  If you are going thru the motions (with God or your spouse), it won't be long before it feels superficial and lacking in the depth of the relationship.  Obligation often is oppressive to freedom....  We must be active and purposeful in the development of our relationships; all of them.  Not just allowing ourselves to fall into a routine that goes through the motions....but keeping it truly ALIVE.

My favorite Books

     I enjoy reading.  All types of books.  I've read a ton of books I really liked, but I thought I'd list ones that really changed me:

1. The Shack-This book was absolutely astounding and changed my concept of the trinity and God's relationship with us.  I never recall reading a book multiple times, but this one....wow.

2. Talk to me like I'm someone you love-This book gave a ton of practical things to say in the heat of conflict.  It really surprised me at how simple the things in the book work but how they were the last thing on my mind in the heat of battle.  Very helpful.

3. Loving our kids on purpose-The absolute best book I've read on relationships period.  Applied to my kids and my marriage.  I was amazed at the way my understanding of relationships changed after this.  His other book, Keep your love on, was very similar but for adult relationships and was also fantastic.

4. Season of life-This taught me about the traps that boys and then men fall into thinking what real masculinity is.  It changed my entire perspective on what it meant to be a man.

5. The five love languages-Also an amazing understanding about why you feel like you are showing love and your partner thinks you're crazy!  Loved this book.

I'd love to hear some of your favorite books.

Harden the F up!

     I have 3 children.  One of them (the youngest) is in the school nurse's office a few times a week; always seems to have an ailment.  I took him to a cardiologist (don't ask) a few months ago and after he examined him the doc pulled me aside and said, "Is he...would you say...usually dramatic?".  My oldest one on the other hand literally stopped crying over pain at age 3 or 4.  I recall being at a birthday party and he took a header off of a plastic play slide.  I was standing with 2 other dads and one of them got a little concerned as he watched it happen and said, "Whoa!  Is he okay???".  The other dad turned to him an said, "You don't know Noah....".

     What's the point?  I guess the point is that I have to work hard to convey to my other 2 kids (and myself) that there is no one in the world that is you.  So when you see their struggles and you gauge them against "what you would do or have done", there is a good chance you are being unfair, un-compassionate, unloving.  At the very least, you are making a judgment that is based on a guess and not reality.  Do I think my youngest "really" has a tummy ache everyday, chest pain on occasion, terrible pain from a superficial scratch that brings him to tears???  Or do I think he might be crying wolf a little?  Well....maybe a little bit of both.  :)

     It's so hard to not just tell him to toughen up, quit complaining, look at his brother, you can't be serious, c'mon!, etc....  But I think to myself, what is the end point on that kind of treatment?  I'd like to think it is that he learns to "be tough".  And while that may be true, I believe that the other likely outcome is that he learns that his relationship with his dad is not a safe one to express hurts and pain and upsets.  That I don't believe him, that I don't believe "in" him.  Wow....that is the LAST thing I would want....

     The world struggles so much with judging and comparing each other.  Everyone has a different genetic code (read: pain tolerance), a different upbringing (read: 1st born, last born), a different story, a different struggle, and a different place they are coming from.  We need to realize that most people are fundamentally trying to do their best but all of us are in a wounded state of one degree or another.

     So I work hard to make sure to show love....what's the worst thing compassion can bring?  He may never toughen up, but if the trade is that he and I remain connected and close....I'll take a softie!

Is marriage harder than parenting?

     There are varying views on this subject.  Some folks say the opposite.  But here's why I think marriage is harder than parenting (usually...until you get to #6):

     1. Parenting has an end point.  At a certain point, you are no longer parenting your kids (hopefully...).  Sure you are always their parent, but parenting scales WAY back into coaching and ultimately friendship. There is (supposed to be) no end point with marriage.

     2. There is more pressure to parent.  Society frowns upon giving up on your kids and abandoning them because its not working out.  It does not seem to carry the same views about marriage.  You can divorce and start over multiple times with minimal societal shunning.  (I understand not in all cases, but isn't that a subtle form of abandoning your kids?  At least part time....)

     3. Spouses have the power to hurt each other...severely.  With your kids, its almost exclusively a 1 way street in the hurt department.  We all find a way to mess up our kids unintentionally.  But with our spouses, the wounds are already there from childhood and so it is a little like trying to walk thru a minefield blindfolded the 1st few years.  (Good news, spouses also have the power to heal each others childhood wounds too!)

     4. Marriage has a LOT of expectations of one another.  You are expected to fulfill me as a friend, lover, confidant, pick me up when I'm down, communicate vulnerably to me, and for a long long time.  Parenting comes with a decent amount of expectations but not near as many; and very few that require vulnerability.  That is huge.  Less vulnerability means less chance for hurt.  And hurt...hurts.

     5. One is biological/emotional, the other is just emotional.  Let's face it, your kids are....your kids.  When they drive you crazy, make you mad, etc....you can fall back on a deep love for them that you just can't get away from.  Your marriage is a choice.  And sometimes you have to fight hard to make the choice to stay in it or do the right thing or apologize or whatever.  I can't tell you how many times I've peeked in on my kids sleeping and get that giddy feeling in my stomach.  Peeking in on your spouse sleeping....it's not the same is it?

     6. The wildcard.  Most of us have finite energies and end up early on putting our efforts primarily into the kids or working because that's where the heaviest obligation and neediness lies.  Marriages can take a back seat "while the kids are little" or "while I'm establishing my career" we often think.  But what is truly the longterm constant, work, kids, or marriage?  I have never put "till death do we part" on a job application.

And as we have seen, parenting has an end point.  If we approach our lives with the end in mind, (who is going to be there for me in 30 years?) then the nurturing for the marriage must be there from the start and stay there.  This makes marriage MUCH easier in the long term.  But because so few of us do it, we end up trying to dig ourselves out of a hole later on in the relationship.  So the folks that say marriage is easier....I think they may have all started out with a different perspective in the start and laid a foundation that paid dividends later.

Michael Sam....You're so gay....

     I don't follow sports.  I do however hear about things like the Michael Sam kiss thing.  So I guess he was a projected 3rd round pick and then came out as gay and was taken in the 7th (last) round?  And if there is any "guy's sport" its football.

     100 years ago, a picture on the internet :) of a woman in short pants would've caused a stir.  50 years ago a picture of an inter racial couple kissing would've caused an uproar.  Those things seem kind of benign now (except to Donald Sterling and Cliven Bundy maybe).

     So where are we going to be in the future about a couple of gay men kissing on the interwebs??

     I was told, "yes but God doesn't talk about mixed races in the bible and he does talk against homosexuality"...  (Moses was married to Zipporah, an Ethiopian).  But the bible does talk harshly about fornicators (unmarried folks getting busy....) in the exact same light as homosexuality.  So in that vain, wouldn't the "bible" be against unmarried college players "putting it out there" on draft day with a sloppy kiss on their girlfriends?  How far do we want to take our selective outrage or shock or disgust on things???

     In the end, I think that I'm of a "generation" that is probably a little shocked when I see a couple dudes kissing, but that is more visceral.  It's in the same way I am shocked when I see a kid walk up with 4-5 piercings in their face.  I think maturity allows you to see things beyond the visceral reaction and use your logic (and love).  Too often we search for support for our emotional/gut reactions rather than slowing things down to think objectively.

     I wish Michael Sam the best.  He's gay.  I don't think that's the way life is "supposed" to be.  You often hear homosexuals comment they wish they weren't as it would make life so much easier.  But really I think that any uproar is fear based.  Do we think that if we don't act outraged are we condoning the behavior?  If we think it through, is this a worse "sin" than others???

     I'm not outraged.  In fact, I don't really think about it at all beyond this blog.  It has nothing to do with me or my life......leave the guy alone

Sleeping better

     Sleep tips.

     Most of my friends know that I suffered from anxiety for my 1st 40 years.  I never really had a tough time sleeping that I can recall because I went 100% until I just passed out at the end of the day/night.  I couldn't nap for the life of me unless I was sick.

     Once I got my anxiety under control, I noticed I didn't race through life at a 100 miles an hour, but I also didn't sleep as well.  I've come up with a list of things that has really made a huge difference for me.

     1. Magnesium and Zinc before bed.  I've read a number of times that this plays a role in slowing down central nervous system activity.  I take 500 mg chelated Mg and 50 mg chelated Zn.  I also take this after exercise too.  

     2. Breathing thru the diaphram.  This is a technique that if done right can settle or "reset" your autonomic nervous system and stimulate the parasympathetic branch of the ANS.  The technique I use is essentially breathing all the way out using a contraction of the obliques.  It's something worth googling and practicing.  But it seems to really settle my system down quickly.  When you think you've exhaled all the way....you haven't....keep it going and you'll feel like you are about to cough from the little spasm in your diaphragm.

     3. No alcohol or food after 7.  This is to keep the body from processing food and alcohol while you are trying to sleep.  Often sleep follows alcohol or big meal consumption, but its rarely "good" sleep.  I can't tell you how many times I've had a nice meal later at a restaurant with a few glasses of wine and throughout the night I wake with my heart racing.  Not good. 

     4. Eye mask.  People ask me "can you really sleep with an eye mask???".  It's really no different than getting used to a new pillow or adjusting to becoming a back sleeper if you've been a side or stomach sleeper.  The benefits though are great.  Without an eye mask, I wake through the night, lift my head and glance at the clock wondering if it's time to get up or how much time I have left.  With the eye mask, I think that I still wake through the night, but I just don't know it.  I've been able to stay asleep most mornings until my gentle iphone alarm goes off.  And I love that!  I hate waking up before my alarm!

     5. No caffeine after ????.  I actually don't drink it except 1st thing in the morning before I exercise.  However, there have been times I've taken it for an afternoon workout and it made me have a tougher time falling asleep.  There is research on people having a genetic pre-disposition for fast or slow caffeine metabolism.  So this affects some folks differently than others.  Certainly though if you are dealing with anxiety, it is likely you are highly effected by caffeine. 

     These are the things I do to sleep better and it makes a HUGE difference in my recovery, mood, how my body feels, etc....

Coach or cheerleader? You can't be both....

     Sitting at Luke's baseball game last night, I was reminded of the idea that you can be your kids coach or cheerleader...but not both.

     In sports, the coach's job is not to tell you your great, its to teach and correct mistakes to help you get better.  The coach is there to look at you with a critical eye.  Their real value lies in fixing your mistakes and telling you where you get it wrong.  If you are losing, the coach is full of criticism.  If you are winning, the coach is still looking for ways to help you be even better.  It's nothing personal.

     The cheerleaders, however, have a vastly different role.  Their role is to encourage and motivate by being positive and upbeat.  Whether the team is winning or losing, the cheerleader's function is to keep cheering.  When the game is all but lost, the cheerleaders might be the only ones on the field acting as if you can still pull it out.

     As parents, we can get trapped into taking personally when our kids are taking their eye off the ball, not holding the glove high enough, or making an error.  In our efforts to "help" them, we may be turning ourselves into the role of coach in the eyes of our little ones without realizing it.  How many adults look back and see a critical parent from their childhood that was always pointing out their mistakes?  They had a parent who fell into the role of coach and not cheerleader.

     On the other hand, wouldn't it be nice if your kids memories of you as a parent were that you were always standing behind them, always encouraging them, always giving them the feeling that you were rooting for them?

     Do you want to be a cheerleader or a coach?

Wasted potential....

     Society hates very few things more than wasted potential.  And you see it so often.  If we are honest with ourselves, we usually can see where we have a lot of wasted potential of our own.  "If I only would've done more/better...." is a refrain that is echoed in our heads so often.  That's why doing our best at things brings out a sort of euphoria.  But let's be honest, its easy to make this into a self-defeating effort if we aren't careful.

     So the balancing act becomes a war between, "I'm good enough and am happy with my effort" and "I could've done better".  Between slacker and over-achiever?  We're back to needing a middle ground again and getting away from the dysfunction of all or nothing, black or white.

     What about in others though?  We watch people that could be so much better and it often makes us mad.  Why is that?  What is it about seeing squandered potential that we make our business?  We do it with our kids in sports or schoolwork...."Keep your eye on the ball next time...or, You should've studied harder and you'd have gotten an A".  We do it in the gym, "If he would just work more on his mobility or strength, he'd be so much better".  So the message becomes a balance between "You are good enough" and "You are not good enough".  This cuts to the core of the wounds we come into adulthood with.

     What's the alternative?  Celebrating the average performance?  Yes! (sort of).  People should be celebrated for just showing up.  Should we tell our kids their strikeouts are just as cool as their hits?  I think that depends on what "they" think.  Do they put a premium on it?  Then we empathize with their feelings and not interject our own.

     My oldest son just wants to do enough in school to pass.  My daughter wants all A's.  They set their own standards and I support them.  He brings home a C and is happy about it, "good job, you passed".  She brings home a B and is upset about it, "Keep trying sweetie, maybe next time you set aside more study time....".  But ultimately (if you aren't careful) potential becomes a judgment in good enough or not good enough.  It really should be an endorsement of the person's feelings about things through support that says, "Whatever you want out of life, I'm right here for you, standing behind you, supporting you.  You are good enough."